Friday, July 24, 2009

I Totally Paused

You know that blog that I wrote about regrets? Well here's a new one for the list...

After having received an Alabama fastest driver award (a.k.a. speeding ticket) from one of Mobile's finest a few months back, and after getting my wrist slapped (a.k.a. an entire day of Traffic School, but no points off my license and therefore, no raised insurance premiums), I thought that I had learned my lesson!

Traffic School wasn't bad, especially in comparison with what I was anticipating. I actually felt like I came away with an enlightened perspective and a little more knowledge in traffic laws. Jeff, I should say, was another story. The whole way home, after having received the ticket, I was dreading one thing...telling Jeff! I'd rather take the fines and the penalties doled out by the state than to get another one of his lectures! This actually happens to be a popular conversation between the two of us...a quid pro quo of all the ways that he is perfect and I am not. A dispute that is never agreed upon, given his penchant for delusion and mine for satire. A common fact which always rears it's head in these little discussions is that he hasn't been pulled over in twelve years and I haven't even been driving that long. And the question that always follows is 'how many times have you been pulled over?' Pooey.

So this is me, a little wiser and a lot more patient while driving. Well, having a little one in the car has changed many of my driving habits already. In all of my driving years, I have never been so conscientious about the speed limit and of being a law abiding citizen on the road. I knew that getting another one of those awards was not an option. Traffic School would no longer be an option and the insurance would surely go up. Translation...a monthly reminder of my indiscretion for Jeff, and a monthly lecture for me. No thank you!

Which brings me to just a few days ago. While I am none too happy about the turn of events, God sure did smile down upon me. Jeff got pulled over for speeding!! Of course, with his stellar driving record, he was let go with a warning, but I was ecstatic just the same. A new weapon for my arsinal. My excitement was short lived, however. Because just a few hours later on my way to get gas at the Coast Guard base, I too was pulled over.

I was completely schocked to see those flashing lights in my rear view. I had no idea why I was being pulled over, truly. I know that I hadn't been speeding. But I could tell from the moment that the police officer stepped up to my window that I wouldn't be as lucky as Jeff had been just a few hours earlier. Now, I am not one to haul slanderous gestures at police officers, nor do I generally dislike them as many often do. But I may be changing my mind on that fact. Sure, they have a job to do, but come on!

So, apparently, I did not come to a complete stop at a stop sign. "I totally paused!" (if you didn't know, that is from one of my favorite movies, Clueless) I understand that not stopping at stop signs can be a safety hazzard. But when there was clearly a pause on a neerly deserted stretch of road with no one coming, give me a break! No really, if there were ever a driving offense that deserved a warning, this is it.

Never the less, here I am, with yet another traffic infraction for my record, and no doubt another hundred dollars or so poorer. The only light shed on the situation is that there will be no lectures from Jeff on this one. Thank you God.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Incredible Hulk

He looks up and grins at me through the gleam of those six pearly whites. This, in a mother’s heart, means ‘I love you, mommy.’ My heart melts. I am keenly aware that I am looking into the face of my present, my past, and my future, all at once. He is my son, who grew inside of me for nine months.

Now, nine more months later, I see how much he has already changed and I take stock of the person that he is becoming. Though, when I look at my son, I am usually reminded of how much he is like his father…his sheer determination, an ingenuity about things that were never taught to him, eyes that utterly capture his soul, and an intensity about him that screams ‘I’ll do what I want’ and ‘I’ll never let you down.'

Like when my son decided last week that his crib wasn’t going to hold him back any longer and simply climbed out of it. I was down stairs making his morning bottle and I heard a thump. I dismissed it because Jeff and my nephew were up stairs at the time and it could easily have been a commotion caused by either of them. But then I heard Skylar announce that Colten had climbed out of his crib! Of course, I dropped everything to run up and make sure he was alright and then to console him as only mommies can. But that little guy hardly even cried. He was just ready to go.

All you’d have to do is talk to the ladies at his day care to know what a determined little spitfire he is. I don’t believe that it is any coincidence that he started crawling the following week after a few of the older babies in his class did. He saw them cruising around on all fours and decided that he wanted that same mobility and freedom.

Now he is walking. Those first few wobbly steps were incredible! I videotaped them and called everyone I knew to spread the news. But now, he is really walking. This morning he caught me off guard when I saw him walk up out of the corner of my eye. For a split second I wondered who/what it was, because 'my little guy crawls'...not anymore. (Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, crawling is still the trusty secondary means of transportation for him.) For several weeks there, I was his personal walking cheerleader. I'd stand him up and encourage those wobbly steps in my direction. I think that walking was merely a passing fascination for him at that point. But somewhere between then and now, he has joined the rest of the two-legged, upright world. No longer does mommy need to offer that step up or the constant encouragement, now he simply walks because he wants to.

Even in my tummy, my baby never stopped kicking and wiggling around. I joked then that he would be just like his father. Because, once we learned of the pregnancy and the distinct possibility of having another Little Jeff, the stories began. Story after story, my apprehension grew. After all, haven't we all heard our parents say...'I hope you have a kid just like you some day!' Now I am distinctly aware that whatever he’s paying for, I am too.

To illustrate my point, I will pass on my favorite story of Jeff as a child...

He and a friend were bored one day and somehow got their hands on a can of green spray paint. The logical decision, apparently, was to paint their entire bodies green and terrorize the neighborhood. Door-by-door they knocked and screamed 'roar,' while making muscles like the Incredible Hulk whenever the unexpecting residents answered. Then, to get the paint off, they jumped in a neighbor’s pool. You can guess the tell-tale sign that they left behind, which soon led the angry neighbor to Jeff's parent’s door.

To see Jeff reflected in Colten makes me love them both even more, if that were possible. To be honest with you though, I was, and still am, a little nervous about Colten being another Little Jeff. Because all of those traits that I mentioned can be so admirable in a man and so cute in a baby, but can produce big trouble in a child…

Friday, July 17, 2009

Loss

Boyle’s Gas Law states that a certain amount of gas molecules will move freely to fill up any volume. Wouldn’t it be nice, if the interworking of our hearts (not the ones that pump blood thru our bodies, but the ones that ache when we suffer a loss) was made up of gas molecules? So that when we lost a piece of our heart, that emptiness could immediately be filled and therefore become a little less painful?

My dear friend has just suffered such a loss, a loss so painful as to leave a cavern of emptiness in her heart…her son. I too am heartbroken. Not only for the fact that my oldest and dearest friend has to endure such pain, not for the fact that somehow I feel culpable for not physically being there for her now, in her greatest time of need; I feel heartbroken because I am a mother, of a son. I know how much capacity my love for him holds in my heart and I cannot imagine my heart being able to continue to function if it had to endure a loss so great. I wish that there were something that I could do!

A friendship that has spanned two decades, she has been my rock to lean on, my partner in crime, my essential person. Her son would be best friends with mine. We have shared so much over the years, and I dreamt of sharing this too. I too was invested. My first response to her earlier good news was “it is a boy!”( we women have a way about knowing these things) Now I cannot even conjure a response to this recent news, “it was a boy”. How can one move on?

I understand that a mother’s love grows. Although, it’s hard to imagine, especially when you already love your child more than anything, even upon learning of the new life growing inside of you. The loss, the pain is not lessened because you have yet to see your child’s face.

I know, in life, there are many lessons to be had and that time fades old wounds, that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for us…I just can’t see it here.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

100 Things...

  1. I am a lefty and for all of you inquisitors out there, that is where the title of my blog came from…roughly 9% of the world’s population is left-handed (it may be around 11% now though) and I may be biased, but I believe that my lil’un is going to be a lefty as well…score one for the 9%
  2. As an addendum to #1, whenever I play a sport or try something I haven’t done in a while, I have to think about which hand I should use
  3. I don’t like people to touch me with their feet…it’s kind of a phobia
  4. Speaking of phobias…I am really claustrophobic
  5. I had a lisp when I was younger and sometimes I still do
  6. I habitually tap the top of a coke can three times before I open it
  7. I can’t throw away cards or pictures, no matter who they’re from or of
  8. I don’t think that there’s much better in the world of contemporary music than the riff of a steel guitar
  9. I have only ever had three wisdom teeth…which they say is a sign of evolutionary superiority
  10. I was born at home
  11. I have never broken a bone and have only ever had one (yes one…interesting story) stitch
  12. In the second grade I joined my school’s choir, my sister says it is because I wanted to do everything that she did (half right) but mostly it was to go on the field trips…I never knew any of the words to the songs though and mostly just lip singed “watermelon” over and over again
  13. At random times, no matter what time of the year it is, I find myself humming ‘Joy to the World’
  14. I like to drink grape juice out of a wine glass more than I like to drink wine out of one
  15. I listen to audio books…not because I can’t read well but because that is the way I find the time…in my car
  16. I am a closet Trekkie…I used to love to watch Star Trek with my brother (but only the original one or Generations) and that goes double for Star Wars
  17. I also used to steal my brothers Transformers and play with them…they were my favorite
  18. I spent the whole month of July once in Juneau, Alaska and I got drunk and sang karaoke all night in a bar called The Moose, and I am told that I was hitting on a guy who was about to get married, to a girl who was also at the bar, who happened to be a triplet, whose sisters were also at the bar, one of which I was best friends with at the end of the night, only to not remember any of it in the morning
  19. I think that the most sensuous place on a woman is the small of her back and on a man is the crook of his neck
  20. My first job was for a market research company in the mall…bugging people to take a survey
  21. Before I was 18, going skydiving topped my list of things to do, when I turned 18 and could actually go skydiving, I completely changed my mind
  22. The only organized sport I ever played was Basketball in the 8th grade, the only reason I made the team was because they had just enough people to fill the team, and I didn’t make a single basket all season
  23. My first car was a 1988 Saab 900…Sally the Saab
  24. I still have the stuffed animals that I had as a kid…one of my favorite things is a soft and cuddly stuffed animal, now I just buy them for Colten, so I can still cuddle up with them when no one’s looking
  25. My favorite time of day is just before the sun sets
  26. I have played Fantasy Football for every year since, I think it was 1997…before it was big on the internet…our draft took weeks because we did it over the phone
  27. I am very competitive at board/card games (yes, I admit it) but especially when I am playing against my brother or sisters
  28. I am a third child…of four, so I know what it is like to be an older sister and a younger sister…it is one of my favorite things about myself
  29. I actually like Thanksgiving better than Christmas, it’s my favorite holiday
  30. During my childhood we had chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, dogs, cats, a duck, a pig (for like a week), hamsters, hermit crabs, birds, fish, even a sea enenemy (complete with a clown fish and everything), random bugs like praying mantis’ and lightning bugs, turtles, frogs, (I wanted a snake but my mom wouldn’t let me) as pets at one point or another
  31. When I was younger, I would literally cry if I saw a dead animal on the side of the road…sometimes, I still do
  32. I always wanted to be a veterinarian, with the exception of my short-lived dream of being a gymnast when I was like 8 until I realized that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it to the Olympics, so I let that dream go…now I want to be an Engineer ‘when I grow up’
  33. My biggest fear is to lose someone that I love
  34. I ran a half-marathon and it was one of the most exhilarating things that I have done, one of these days I will definitely run a marathon
  35. I have been in school, taking at least one class at some point during the year, for the past 7 years
  36. I hate Doritos, because I ate an entire bag once and got sick and ‘lost’ the Doritos…haven’t liked them since
  37. My biggest celebrity crush is Matthew McConaughey…good ‘ole Texas boy, but then, who didn’t already know that about me
  38. My favorite artist is Van Gogh, my sister gave me a Van Gogh calendar last year and until a few weeks ago, I still had that calendar on my cubicle wall on December 2008…now I have cut out my favorite pictures from the calendar and have them tacked to my wall instead…my absolute favorite is ‘Starry Night’
  39. My favorite author is Jodi Picoult, but my favorite book is Where is Joe Merchant by Jimmy Buffett
  40. My proudest moments (in order) are…giving birth to my son, graduating boot camp, completing a 13.2 mile half-marathon in under 2 hours, and completing the Dunker (even though it sent me into a claustrophobic panic attack), next up…Graduating!!
  41. I have a hard time letting go…of things and people, that is why I had less than 5 real boyfriends in my adolescence and have had less than 10 jobs in my life…I also have boxes and boxes of impertinent things, such as, the ticket stub of the concert I attended on my first official date (also a good reason for #7)
  42. The hardest thing that I have ever done was getting divorced
  43. If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one thing from my makeup bag, it would be my tweezers…I never leave home without them, even if I was alone and no one could see me, I would hate to have sasquatch eye brows
  44. I used to get up in the middle of the night in boot camp so that I could pluck my eyebrows
  45. I have been to at least fifteen Caribbean Islands…count them: Cuba, Puerto Rico, Nassau, Bimini, St. Croix, St. Thomas, St. Martin, Great Inagua, Providenciales, Dominica, Anguilla, Guadeloupe, Hispaniola, Martinique, St. Lucia (no exaggeration!)
  46. On 9/11, I was flying in a Coast Guard plane in Puerto Rico, the Air Force Network was dialed in on one of our radios and one of the crew members called our attention to it just as the radio announcer was describing the first tower falling and then announced that planes all over America were being grounded, then we got the call to land as well. When we landed, we parked the plane and went straight to the TV in the break room where everyone else in the station was located. I watched the news for a week straight after that. My heart was broken.
  47. I have had more cravings before and since I was pregnant than I did when I was pregnant
  48. I love to sing aloud to music in my car, among my favorite songs to belt out are Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart, the Dixie Chicks’ Wide Open Spaces and Garth Brooks’ Shameless
  49. I used to play the Viola and my secret desire is to buy a Viola and become good enough to join the symphony of whatever town I happen to be living in
  50. I love to climb trees! I never grew out of it. The only reason I don’t usually climb trees now is because I don’t want to look like an escaped mental patient. Although, if I happen to drink too much, it’s bound to happen!
  51. I like Catsup with my eggs
  52. The first professional football game I ever went to was on my 18th birthday, even though I was the biggest fan since I was at least 8, I have been to at least a dozen games since
  53. I’ve never gotten into an actual fight with anyone other than a sibling, other than the time I hit my best friend, Seanna, for wanting to hang out with my sister instead of me
  54. I like to position the flap of the toilet paper to be under and not over the roll, if someone else puts it on the other way, I will actually take the time to change it
  55. I was only ever sent to the principle twice…once in Kindergarten for talking (I never actually went, I hid out in the bathroom instead), and once in Junior High for not spitting out my gum
  56. I have flown into two hurricanes
  57. I sported a thong bikini once…my mom and I went tanning on a secluded beach, she was my look out and she’d tell me if anyone was coming so that I could turn over to my back…to have the guts and self confidence to wear it was a big deal for me…these days, post baby, I wouldn’t be caught in one
  58. I love to walk barefoot through grass…but then, who doesn’t?
  59. There is a field of clovers that occupies a short stretch of grass in between street blocks in downtown Mobile that I pass everyday from my car to work and back…it makes me smile every time I pass it
  60. I believe that becoming a mom is the greatest thing I have ever done
  61. The earliest dream that I can remember was when I was about 6…I dreamt that I woke up in my bed because of a light that was shining into my window, it was still the middle of the night, I walked outside to the side of my house where the light was, when I got there I discovered that the light was from the moon, which had descended into my yard and Jesus was inside, so I walked up and joined Jesus in the moon…and that was it, but for some reason, it is still very substantial to me
  62. I love to change my own oil in my car, it gives me a certain sense of satisfaction and purpose
  63. I love sun showers and dancing in the rain and the drama that weather brings about
  64. When I was in 4th grade, I was on the evening news when our weather man, Mike Burger, came to our school because our class was selected from some sort of contest or something. More to the point, I was picked to be with him on air, prior to this he talked a bunch about the weather and how things worked, but I wasn’t listening, and when the camera was rolling (live) he asked me a question about what he talked about, to which my only response was “uh…uh…uh”, he finally answered for me but it was humiliating…my mom taped it and everything
  65. I love words, Merriam Webster’s online dictionary is one of my most visited website…I also get their ‘word of the day’ e-mailed to me
  66. When Ross Perot ran for president, the second time, I went to his post election party with my dad…my dad ended up meeting and speaking with him in the bathroom, which security apparently failed to clear out first
  67. I adore expensive shampoos
  68. I love a Sunday drive out of town
  69. I’ve watched the same Soap Opera since I was a kid (inherited from my grandmother) and I wish I could stop watching
  70. I feel compelled to correct people that say ‘supposebly’ instead of ‘supposedly’
  71. I can recite nearly all of Dumb and Dumber along with the movie
  72. I only make my bed right before I go to sleep
  73. I am a sucker for a good conspiracy theory
  74. When I was younger I claimed to hate my middle name but secretly liked it
  75. I used to only sleep on the right side of the bed…now, for some reason, it’s the left side
  76. If I am walking along side someone I try to be on the right side…always
  77. I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld and still rewatch them every time I catch one on TV
  78. Except on rare occasion, I can’t burp out loud
  79. Spiders give me the heebie-jeebies, my best friend growing up used to make me watch Arachnophobia
  80. I have to have candy (preferably chocolate) to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
  81. I’m not Catholic, but I love Catholic churches because they are always open and they are so quiet and peaceful and they usually display such history
  82. Second place to a church, I love the library for its’ peacefulness and also for its’ history hidden in the pages of its’ books
  83. I secretly want to be a librarian
  84. I now know that my parents actually think that I am beautiful and special and not just because they have to say it
  85. In kindergarten I tried to kiss the boy I had a crush on during nap time
  86. I wish that I could be more creative
  87. I love numbers and black and white and fact and fiction…that is why I want to be an engineer
  88. I love classic literature, although I have hardly read any of it
  89. I laugh when I watch basketball and the announcer mentions penetration
  90. Before I joined the Coast Guard, I never cursed…not even in retelling a story with curse words
  91. I believe in one God and Jesus Christ and a non-literal interpretation of the Bible and the rest is out for jury
  92. When I was younger I was extremely shy around people I didn’t know, and I hated compliments
  93. I now love compliments…so please feel free
  94. In 7th grade my boyfriend and I were voted cutest couple in our school newspaper
  95. I like all types of people, I am very eclectic when it comes to my friends, many of them would never get along with one another but get along fine with me
  96. I used to have to match even when I went to bed, right down to the undies…that went out the window with motherhood for sure
  97. I don’t like pumpkin pie, never have. When I was like 10 or 11 I decided to try it to see if I had changed my mind about liking it, and while I was holding the pie a neighborhood dog ran up an bit me to try and get the pie…I haven’t eaten any since.
  98. In my head, I am a movie critic with very valid opinions
  99. When it comes down to it, I rarely regret the past…it got me to the present and will get me to the future
  100. I wish I were a better speaker, I am enamored by people who are good speakers, even if I don’t agree with what they are saying

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Foregone Conclusion

So, here it is, as promised...

Do not send your husband, father, and 13 year-old nephew to the fireworks stand to purchase fireworks unsupervised unless you want them to come back with an entire trunk load of fireworks!

We are all on a bit of a shoestring budget these days, right? I mean the economy is on the fritz. Well at least, thanks to the boys in my life, the fireworks sector has had a bit of a financial infusion. So, we were planning to have fireworks, but to take it easy...wrong.

I sent Jeff and Skylar with $20 each (cash, mind you), and my mom sent my dad with $10 (cash). So, if my math is right, they left with $50 to get fireworks and somehow those firework-happy boys came back with over $150 of fireworks!!

One thing that I have to be thankful for when it comes to my hubby, is that he can't lie. When he is caught trying to conceal something...such as, spending a fortune on fireworks...he gets this big 'ole you-caught-me grin on his face. Which, by the way, makes it hard to be mad at him, because he looks so cute when he displays it.

So, when they returned home with their booty, I can tell that their plan was to play it off like they didn't spend a fortune. But in walks Jeff with that grin, and I knew. This is where it takes a little investigative probing, because they won't come right out and tell you. You have to ask direct questions and then do the computing in your head. Their only response was (rehearsed in the car before they returned) 'you shouldn't have sent three guys, alone to get the fireworks'. My mother and I looked at each other and realized that they were right. We couldn't be angry with them, because they were so cute and excited about the fireworks, and so were we to tell you the truth. We had so much fun lighting off all of the fireworks that night, it was a very memorable 4th of July!

Another lesson here is that all men are boys in grown-up bodies! I have already seen that in Jeff when Colten was born and we went toy shopping for him. I can definitely say that he was more excited about the toys than Colten ever was. But I certainly can't complain about that, because those two have so much fun together. It makes me fall in love with him all over again, to see him interact and have so much fun with his son. I see it as well with my nephew. Since Skylar has been staying with us this week, Jeff has really taken him under his wing. And the two of them are totally in cahoots. I can really tell that he enjoys having a little boy around and is excited for Colten to be older so that he can have a little protege.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Regret me not

I hate regret! I try to prescribe to a regret-free life. Not in the careless/carefree (take your pick) fashion of most tweens these days...live now - regret later, but more like...there's no use crying over spilt milk. However, I still find myself caught up in a little regret from time to time. Such as...
The short lived regrets...
Like currently, I regret that I didn't apply often enough or strong enough sunscreen at the beach this (4th of July) weekend. Well, the 4th was actually spent at the house barbecuing and shooting off fireworks. Which, I should add, was a lot funner this year because I had my niece, Taylor - 7, and nephew, Skylar - 13, to share it with (Colten was sound asleep and not bothered at all by all of the loud commotion of the fireworks.) Kids always add a certain excitement to things, especially where holidays are concerned. I am starting to experience that now with Colten, but he's still a little young yet. Oh and speaking of fireworks and regretting, I got a pretty good burn on my thumb from lighting a sparkler during our fireworks extravaganza on Saturday. (Another blog to follow regarding sending men to buy the fireworks...)
So, on Sunday Jeff stayed home with Colten, who wasn't feeling too well (ear infection), and I took off to the beach with my visiting family. Let me tell you, I felt like a kid again. I had the best time playing in the waves, collecting shells with my niece, and floating on my raft that I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Guilty that I had started to forget about how much I was missing my lil'un and guilty for leaving Jeff at home alone with a sick baby.
So back to the regretting...I am reminded of it every time I make a wrong move. Man, I haven't been burnt this bad in who knows how long. Except now the hurt of the burn is starting to subside and the itching has begun. Though, I'm pretty sure this regret soon won't be one at all and will just be chalked up to a lesson and a story.
The regrets that you just can't forget...
Like the time that I left my brand new digital camera that Jeff had just given me for Christmas, complete with the awesome pictures I had just taken and the USB flash drive that had my whole life on it, in the bathroom of a Denny's. When I realized (too late) that I had left it and returned to get it, it was long gone :( I cried myself to sleep that night. I was so upset that Jeff didn't even give me the but-chewing that I know he wanted to give me. But I guess what they say about time healing old wounds applies in this situation, because I have a new awesome camera full of pictures of an adorable little baby boy and my happy life, which, by the way, are backed up to my computer and on disc (...definitely not losing those precious pictures again). So, while the pain of my mistake has faded, I can't help regretting it still.
The regrets of missed opportunities...
I realize more everyday how much my baby has grown. It's amazing how much a little being can change in the first nine months of their life. From my pregnancy and feeling the little guy kick, to his first steps (yep, only nine-months and walking...well, he still prefers crawling though) I wish that I could capture it all. I never want to forget how he looked or how I felt when my baby boy was born. Yet I have yet to fill out his baby book. And you are all witnesses to it...I have hardly done what I set out to do with this blog...catalogue his life and everything that he has brought into mine. So, everyday I am reminded of how I've missed recording all of these special things, and it drives me crazy! Though, I really do have a problem...of either going overboard with something or procrastinating and doing nothing at all. So, I'm trying to find a middle road, so that when I look back I have more than memories to tell of what a wonderful experience it is to see your first baby grow older.
And finally, there are regrets of the past...actions that led to hurt...that aren't actually regrets because they've led me to who and where I am today...
Of course, number one in this category, that I must mention is my divorce. I won't rehash it here, except to say that I often consider the hurt that I caused because of it. Sometimes I feel guilty to have somehow moved past it. I know that becoming a mother puts a lot of things into perspective. And when your life is so full, as babies often cause your life to be, you realize that you don't have the capacity to carry around old hurt as well. The whole experience was the single greatest learning experience of my life. It changed me and also somehow helped me to find a part of myself that was lost. I know that I am a stronger person because of it and of course there is my life now, my baby. But the whole experience of it...the journey...is forever with me and I'll always remember the past and hope for a better future for me and for him.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Introspection

I love to take in the things around me...the environment...the energy that people exude. I liken myself to a cat, very observant and often cautious to jump in head first. I have always tried to learn from other people's mistakes...sometimes not so successfully, but I have definitely tried! I try to think outside of the box and to see things from other people's points of view. In fact, I often set out to see things from a new perspective. But I have my own convictions and motivations, many of which have seen me through my childhood and into my adult life. I feel like, with the exception of a few periods of personal discovery, I have always known who I am and what it is about me that makes me special. I have my parents and my family to thank for that...my sister, Amanda, who always tells me those words exactly...you're special. I have a healthy thirst for knowledge that sometimes overwhelms me and leaves me sitting on the couch in front of the TV to veg, in denial of it all. Maybe that is due to my incessant need to procrastinate...for the hated and revered alike. I love words...I love to check the dictionary, not so much to find new words, but to ensure that I use the words that I have soaked up along the way correctly. I often get stuck trying to find the right words to say. Sometimes this causes me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself...for fear that I may not be able to convey them properly...to do them justice. As I blog and become a blogger, I find myself sitting in my car on my way to/from work/school and pondering my next blog. I read other blogs. I get blog envy. I plot ways to become as witty and creative as these other bloggers. I notice how their creativity, wittiness and fun-ness jumps off the page and realize that I am not like them. So, I sit at my computer, as I have done right now, and realize who I am. I am all of those things that I have listed. Maybe I do have a little bit of creativity, wittiness and fun-ness in me...but I realize that I am just who I am and that's all I need to be.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain." -Vivian Greene
"Success is not final, Failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -Sir Winston Churchill