Population Nine-Percent

Dear Colten

2012-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

You are sleeping right next to me right now and your calm and rhythmic breathing leaves me so sure of you. Sure of your safety and your comfort. You have always made me feel sure of you though. You have so much ability, even in your three short years of life. When you flipped, turned and kicked in my stomach, or when you held your head up right after you were born, or when you took your first steps, it was always as if you were saying, "Mommy, it's okay, I got this!" I feel just as sure that you are going to be just as able as a boy, and as a man.

I just read a wonderful list about words of advice for mothers of sons. It left me feeling so very blessed to be your mother. What a great and awesome responsibility and opportunity God has given me! I look forward to teaching you all that I know and learn with you about all those things that I don't know. I know that I won't always have an answer for all of your why's and why not's, I may not even be able to find the 'right' answer, but I promise that I will always try. One thing that I can do very well is Google.

Thank you for being such a bright a beautiful little boy. You have brought so much joy and contentment into my life.

I love you with every ounce of my being!

~Mommy

Don't Wait for Vacation to Enjoy Your Life!

2012-01-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

I have been longing to find the time for a good blog update. I sat down yesterday and began a lighthearted post about Toys overtaking my house, which was true of yesterday. But then I decided to stop writing about it and do something about it. So, I spent the better part of the day organizing toys. Colten’s room is now housing about three-fourths of his toys, as opposed to pretty much all of his toys being located in his toy room, a.k.a. our dining room and therefore, all over the house.

I was spurred on by my recent vacation, which was a bit of an eye opener for me. I enjoyed myself so immensely, that I realized that I don’t have to wait until vacation to enjoy my life. It sounds so simple, but this was a true revelation to me. There was also this post on my friend’s Face Book Wall that spoke to me in the same fashion. It was something about a girl who redesigned her life. I don’t really remember what it said, but the message was that you hold the key to your own happiness, though it may take a little elbow work to make it happen.

I have let myself get so bogged down with things in my life that I was in shutdown mode. Which means that not only was I shutting out the things that stress me out, I was also shutting out the things that truly make me happy. I told myself that I didn’t have the time or the money to do the things I wanted, but now I’m realizing that the only thing really keeping me from what makes me happy is me. It’s funny that the New Year is usually reserved for self discovery like this, but I haven’t really even taken stock in that just yet. We got home from our vacation on New Year’s Eve and we have been so busy getting settled back in and unwinding from vacation that I haven’t properly celebrated or given thought to a new year. I bought myself a bottle of Martini and Rossi Asti (my favorite Champagne) with halfhearted thoughts about ringing in the New Year. But I was in bed by 9 and didn’t even try to make it to the countdown, and I never even popped the top on my bubbly.

One New Year’s tradition that I did invoke, however, was the day-long feat of making Black Eyed Peas and Collard Greens. I save this tradition for once a year because I think it is such a pain to make. To be more specific, the Black Eyed Peas are fairly easy, but the Collard Greens are a pain! I do love eating them though! And I just can’t imagine settling for the alternative version, coming from a can. Also, I know that it is imperative that Jeff get’s his New Year’s Black Eyed Peas. I found this out the hard way one over-celebrated New Year’s (i.e. I drank too much bubbly the night before.) I decided that Black Eyed Peas could wait for another year, leaving me the time and energy to recuperate from the night before. I was wrong. We had some disagreement about it, which ultimately led to Jeff finding him some Black Eyed Peas at all cost. Ok, I'm being a little over dramatic about it, but the message came across. So, now I make sure that we have Black Eyed Peas on New Year's Day.

I realize that I am leaving out all of the good details about our vacation. But the most inclussive one is that we had an excellent time! We took a trip to Connecticut, where Jeff is from. This was my first time to meet a lot of his family. I don’t even know where to begin in telling you about our trip. So, I am thinking that I will save it for another Blog. I’ll be sure to get around to it soon though…

I will leave you with an excerpt from yesterdays unfinished Blog, The Toys Have It…

**** My home is being taken over by toys! There are several reasons for this condition. One, I have a toddler, who not only has plenty of toys, but who also got a healthy appreciation of assets this Christmas. In other words, he got lots more toys! Second, my house isn't very big. I'd love to get a new one, with lots of luxurious storage, but I'm not sure that's in my cards any time soon. So, I guess that leads me to the last reason. The toys have been allowed to roam freely in my house, in no speakably organized fashion. So, today Jeff (I told him he would, but I'm quite sure he doesn't want to do it) and I are going to get some organization going. The real issue has really been that Colten's room is upstairs.****

*This is Colten's train set that he got for Christmas, set up in our living room...taking up the entire place as you can see.

My Little Pillow Defender

2011-12-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

I would like to tell you a little story about what a precious little pumpkin I have. Right now, he is three years old (and some change) and I believe he’s at the cutest age yet. Every day he says something or does something that causes Jeff and me to look at each other in disbelief and then laugh our butts off. This morning was no exception. I got a call from Colten when I was already at work. I got up at the butt crack of dawn to go to a spinning class and had just settled into my desk. His response to my hello was, “We’re lazy bums, Mom.” Apparently he and his daddy were still in bed! Mind you, I had already been up for nearly three hours.

Granted, his daddy coached him on what to say, but it was still SO cute to hear coming from him. Then, the cutest thing was when he asked if I was jealous. I can’t express to you how adorable he sounded or how cute he was when he busted into giggles after I began laughing at how cute he was.

Jeff then went on to tell me that he and Colten had just woken up and had gotten into a pillow fight. After that, he started to gather up MY pillows to apparently add to his comfort in my absence. At this, Colten told him something to the effect of, “No, Daddy, don’t take Mommy’s pillows!” It doesn't seem like a big deal since I wasn't even there, but there is a clear reason why he found this act to be so offensive. Plainly put, it’s because Mommy finds it offensive:) You may not know this about me, but you have to understand that I am extremely particular about my pillows. My pillows are MY pillows. Apparently, Jeff can’t tell difference between all of the pillows on our bed (about 8 to 10) as to which ones are his and which ones are MINE. I know this by the fact that every time I come to bed after him, or any time he makes the bed, I have to fish my pillows out of his side. Sometimes, to the detriment of his sleep! This is a common occurrence for us…I snatch my pillow, he gets mad that I took his pillow, I get mad that he doesn’t already know that it was my pillow, and the cycle continues. It’s an idiosyncrasy of mine, I know. I guess it comes from growing up in a house with four kids. You have to learn to stake your claim and be willing to defend it!

So, all of this just illustrates the point that three year olds pick up on everything! Even when you think they aren’t paying attention, they are! At least in this case, it was a good thing. I have a little advocate. But it goes double to remind me that he’s listening and taking everything in, and I need to try more than ever to be a good role model to him, my little precious pumpkin!

Realizing on a Wednesday

2011-12-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like everything happening in your life was being orchestrated just to reach you and make you see something that you had been missing? But I don’t think that actually covers it. Not just to “see” something, but to realize something you could never before grasp.

Anyone who is a parent would understand this kind of realization. The gravity of which, I couldn’t anticipate. Intellectually, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a parent. I even summoned up my deepest feelings to imagine how I might feel about my child. But when I became a parent, I realized that I couldn’t have imagined the capacity of which I would love my son, or the responsibility that came along with it. Becoming a parent changed me so profoundly that it was as if someone had turned the lights on, when I hadn’t even realized that I had spent my entire life in the dark before that moment.

There are many levels of discovery and realization. Some can be monumental, like becoming a parent. Some can be more subtle, as if you suddenly realized that the jumbled mess of your life wasn't really a mess but a masterpiece, intricately intertwined in such a way that you couldn’t have gotten there by accident. This type of realization has also happened to me before.

Sometimes I can be very hard headed. Unless there are numbers and science and logic to back it up, I can be quite the cynic. Although, that is probably too harsh of a term for what I am, I would say that I am more so pragmatic. I guess that is why I became an engineer. But sometimes life unfolds in such a way that God’s purpose can’t be mistaken.

My mother and father have been married for 36 years now. The feat of which does not escape me. So, I grew up with the impression that I would never be divorced, and that those who did divorce either didn’t try or didn’t enter into the marriage with the gravity it required. Needless to say, I found myself in that very place. At the age of 25, I got a divorce. No matter the surrounding circumstances, it left me in a tailspin. I felt like I had let myself and everyone I knew down. I felt so alone and depressed. It was a very hard time for me.

I was living in South Florida at the time. I had lived away from home and away from my family for a number of years. However, the year prior to my divorce and the toughest stage of my life, my parents decided to also move to South Florida. This was not a casual decision for them. They, and pretty much all of the rest of my family, had lived in Dallas their entire lives. At the time, I couldn’t have anticipated how much I would be needing them. It was just nice to have them close. But then, my life got nearly too difficult to bear, and my parents were able to be there for me when I needed them most.

Once I got through that difficult time, I found that I was ready to move on. I was hesitant to go though, because I didn’t want to leave them behind when they had come all that way to be with me. Here is where God tied the bow for me and then hit me over the head so I could see His work. I hesitantly chose to move to Mobile. The same week that I told my parents this, my mother learned that they would be closing her office there in Florida. She had transferred there from Dallas and gotten a promotion by doing so, since that was a division that was only located in South Florida. So, guess where they chose to relocate her division when they closed that office? Back to Dallas, back home! As if that weren’t enough, the move date set by her work was the same week that I had already planned to move myself. And they paid to move her back as well.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

All of this is to say, that I have had the experience of coming to important realizations in my life. Realizations that I couldn’t have otherwise imagined or that I would have otherwise stubbornly missed. So, the benefit of my experience has taught me to not let these things go by unnoticed, because sometimes there are greater meanings to the normal occasions in life.

Less than 5 minutes...

2011-10-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

You know, there aren't many things not involving a microwave that can be done in less than 5 minutes. At the current rate I've been running I couldn't even run a half a mile in less than 5 minutes. I know I can't put my makeup on in the morning in less than 5 minutes...I know because I've tried. But this blog is (hopefully) written in less than 5 minutes. Or maybe I just wanted to see how many times I could type "less than 5 minutes" in less than five minutes:)

My friend Patrick started a blog (http://oamaam312.blogspot.com/), so I just had to post something too, in you guessed it...less than 5 minutes.

RE: Shanna

2011-08-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

I am a writer. I am?

I suppose we all have the capacity to be a writer. Don’t we? After all, it’s not like singing, where I often have dreams of auditioning for American Idol and making it to Hollywood (!...?) to my shock, and then horror. That is because I am of the distinct impression that I’m not a very good singer. Even when I belt out Toni Braxton in my shower (you know, where the acoustics are the most flattering) and as much as I try and stretch my voice, my own vanity has to admit that it doesn’t sound fantastic. On a good note though (pun intended), I wouldn’t categorize my singing disability as tone-deafness. For instance, I have the capability to blend my voice very nicely with a chorus, or with the radio in my car. So, I do have that going for my singing aspirations. But my point is this. You can’t fake a good singing voice. That is, unless you are a commercially promoted, bubble gum pop tween with a team of synthesizers on hand to fake out your undiscerning audience.

Writing, however, is another story (there again with the puns.) Sure, there are those people who simply have a talent for writing. You have probably paid or thought about paying them at one point to produce a paper for you. But in my opinion, even the layman could slop something on a paper and eventually form a well written essay/story/book/blog given enough rounds of editing. Now, if grammar wasn’t a strong suit, I could see how this may be painstaking and time consuming, but still achievable for even the most helpless among us.

So, the real question is, where do you draw the line? When might you consider yourself a writer? Because I think I have established that we are all writers if we so choose to be one. Perhaps will and ability are intermingled here. In my case, I have always had a dread for writing, so I simply didn’t have the will. I had a problem with focusing my random thoughts into one congruent paper/story. Obviously, I still have that same problem. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I had the ability to rein myself in, and was actually able produce good writing. That, paired with my knack for grammar and love for words, translated into my writing for pleasure. I guess that leaves me now with the will and ability to write. So, I’ll bite the bullet...

I am a writer.

The Dunker

2011-08-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

I made my way to the back of a long, gray metal tube and meekly settled into one of the back window seats. Although I was alongside eight of my peers, I felt completely alone. We sat perched about ten feet above a large, deep swimming pool by a system of cables and pulleys. All of this was designed to simulate a helicopter crash and would capsize upon entering the water.

The two-hour bus ride to the Marine Corps air station that morning would do nothing to calm my nerves. The fact that I was not in this alone was of no distraction to my fears. The truth was that I was terrified. I was on my way to a military aviation training evolution in which the main training aid was the 9D5, affectionately known as “The Dunker.” It was designed to train aviators for the worst, including how to fight the urge to panic.

Sitting in my seat awaiting my destiny, I thought back to an acronym mentioned in orientation. D.O.R. - which meant that we all had the option to Disenroll On Request, without reprimand. A big deal for the military setting I was in.

It played over in my head like a dream; I would get up and say that I was simply uncomfortable and be saved from this prospect that had brought me nightmares for months. Looking back, I try to remember if it was my will to succeed or fear that kept me from leaving my seat that day.

I tried to match the countdown in my head with that of the instructor's. However, it was unsuccessfully replaced with the rhythm of my heart pounding in my chest. The drop to the water was fast in contrast to the moments beforehand. However, the eight-second wait thereafter, in which we were to remain still and allow for all movement to subside, seemed like an utter eternity.

The chlorine from the water stung my nose at first and flooded me with self-doubt. The water, though inviting, sent a chill through my body. In that threshold of time my life stood in balance, without breath, without fear. I couldn't help but wonder, would a real helicopter crash go this way, this smoothly? Then I realized that it was the answer to that question that was the cause of my fear. Fear of this day, and of a job that would have me flying in potentially dangerous situations.

I unfastened my seatbelt and fought my way to the exit and freed myself of the mock helicopter. As I broke the surface of the water, elation filled me. I overcame.

I often draw strength from the lessons that I learned at The Dunker that day. I would probably describe what I learned there as the first life-lesson I faced as an adult. It's funny, because I even have a shirt to commemorate the experience. It reads, "Panic in a can" and "I will survive because of the 9D5."

I now know that self doubt and uncertainty are an all too prevalent part of life. But more importantly, I learned that it usually bridges the gap between where I am and where I want to be. So, I found strength in my weakness, and formed a roadmap of how I would overcome difficult situations in my life, one bridge at a time.

The Better Me, and Lammas?

2011-08-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

For you fun-loving critics…here’s two days in a row!

I would like to lament about llamas. Actually, it’s supposed to be Lammas, I only assumed it was llamas. Who could tell the difference? Lammas happens to be Merriam Webster’s aptly timed word of the day, since today is August 1st, or Lammas Day in some English-speaking countries. But who ever heard of Lammas Day? It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with a certain furry long-necked mammal.

In case you were wondering…Lammas Day is a festival of the wheat harvest or the feast of first fruits. Another one of the celebrations continued on from the pre-industrialized world, where we actually had a hand in the food we ate, and the expression “the fruits of your labor” was a more literal one.

But am I really here to give a history lesson or a lecture on the laziness of…well, me and I would say, our society as a whole? No. It really just serves as a lesson to show how volatile my focus can be. By this, I mean I am distractible. Though, I prefer to say that I am inquisitive. Which is true, but it also is a testament to the fact that something as inconsequential as a word of the day e-mail can redirect me from something else that I “should” be doing. This also snowballs on me at times. Like my education on Lammas today. Of course, I had to find out what it was, but in the process of reading up on it, I also came across a chain of interesting tidbits of knowledge which I also took a quick interlude in.
This leaves me to wonder if I am only capable of achieving/learning something when there is something else that I would prefer to do less. If I’m being brutally honest with myself, I would have to say this is mostly true. However, there is something I read once about procrastination that I try to hold to, since I know being hard on myself is a precipitator to my procrastinating tendencies. In essense, what I read is that a leopard need not change his spots to be more effective, but that he can learn to be more effective by using those spots to his advantage. This is to say that although I could be more effective if I didn’t procrastinate, I can still use my avoidance and redirecting procrastination traits to my advantage as well. For instance, I can produce a blog for a second day in a row. Had I not put off that “something else”, I probably wouldn’t have gotten to the blog.

Ok, so I know that I am still slinging excuses your way, but these are internal debates I have with myself all the time. I am always seeking the better me and analyzing how to accomplish that. When I was a child, I would often sleep in and therefore leave for school too late. So, while I was walking to school, I would always imagine how much further ahead I would be if I had left on time, and then I would try and catch up to the “better me.” I think I am still doing that in my life today in some respects. If I could only catch up to that better me. I wonder where I could be.

And, would I still know what Lammas was?

Pardon Me While I Quibble

2011-07-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

I have just gone on an enlightening round about to some of my favorite blogs of yore and it has left me wondering why I stopped blogging. I do know the answer though. There are actually several. They all focus on the fact that I've had a lot going on. But the truth is, when someone tells you "...I've had a lot going on," it's just their kind way of telling you that other things have happened and I've forgotten about you or whatever it was I was supposed to do for you. Harsh, but almost always, at least partially true. Trust me, I know these things. How? You ask. Well, I don't know. But don't tell me that I'm the only one who feels this way.

Sure, we don't set out to forget about the people or the things we care about, but it still happens. For me, I go through a routine shutdown period. Whenever life gets a little hectic, I withdraw a little. It's kind of like when the power is lost at a hospital. The generators kick in, but they only power up the essential items. Well, I do this emotionally. And I know it would be best if I didn't shut out my friends when I needed them most, but I do. So, this perpetuates my inability to stay connected. Just take a look at my track record.

But enough about all that, and to use an infamous moniker of a favorite professor of mine… “Hopping back off the rabbit trail…” I don’t know why I always try to treat blog entries like a counseling session. I guess I always feel the desire to divulge about my long absences from writing, but I haven’t the slightest clue why. Perhaps I don’t feel that I have anything more interesting to say. Although, I'm pretty sure I could find lots to talk about in my life right now. Or even come up with some brilliant randomness sure to entertain. But I can’t get to the quippy day to day stories I prefer until I quibble about my absence. So, there it is.

Absence...

2010-08-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

So, if absence makes the heart grow fonder, why do I feel such reluctance to post an update on my little blog here? Probably because I feel like I have a storm raging inside of me and I don't want to let it out. Sometimes I feel as if I am held together by duct tape and at any moment a piece will start to fray and my insides will start spilling out. Yikes, I don't know why I got so grim there. I DID mean that in a non-literal, non-horror/sci-fi film way. I'm sure most of you can probably relate though. I tend to keep things bottled up…things that make me stressed, nervous, happy, sad…etc. Sometimes that stuff kind of builds up and then I have no choice but to divulge. It’s housekeeping of sorts. I need to let my feelings out in order to keep track of them…but sometimes I just really hate to do it. Carrying around that baggage makes me feel secure and vulnerable all at once.

Well, since this isn’t a couch and you aren’t my shrink, I guess I’ll quit psychoanalyzing myself now. Sorry for that and so sorry that I have been so absent from this blog. Though, I’m not sure who I’m actually apologizing to.

Obviously, since it has been such a long time, there are a lot of new things going on in my life. School is a mainstay. I did really well in the spring semester and I felt like I was on top of the world. Then I had a lackluster summer semester and now I feel a bit dumpy:-( But now it is a new semester with a clean slate and I have my sites set high! I have just one more semester to go and I will be able to hang that piece of paper on my wall! By the way, you are all invited to my celebratory party when I finally do throw my cap in the air. On a side note, I will say that I am a glutton for punishment and I do plan to head right back to school next fall for my MBA. No rest for the weary, as I always like to say…gotta love those clichés.

I do have entirely too much going on right now, with school, work, a whole bunch of extracurriculars, and the family of course. The family reference actually includes five more people though, since my sister and her kids are staying with me for a while. Let’s just say, it’s a bit crowded at my house right now! Further proof of what a wonderful husband I have! They’re my family so it goes without saying that I will always want to help them. But as far as he goes, I think it’s a big deal for him to be willing to sacrifice so much.

Colten is loving having his cousins around to play with, especially the youngest who’s three. They are two little partners in crime, and whatever one does, so follows the other. It is incredibly cute and annoying all at the same time, lol.

As far as my Colten update, I can’t believe he will already be two next month! He’s such a big boy now. He’s talking so much, saying complete sentences and all. He knows all his animals and animal sounds. He even does the arm movements when he reports that ducks say “quack, quack.” He knows hands, feet, head, nose, eyes, mouth, teeth, hair, belly…etc. He loves to brush his teeth, by the way. And…drum roll please…he is tee-teeing in the potty (lol, forgive the mom-speak.) He is even usually the one requesting to go to the potty. Of course, any of you who have ever potty-trained know how exciting but also cumbersome that can be...he's got to wipe, he's got to flush the toilet, he's got to wash his hands. You know, he's a toddler, so he's got to do everything;-) So, now we are just working on going to the potty every time. I am so excited at the prospect of getting rid of those diaper expenses!!

Wow, so I know that was a lot, but I have to admit, I do feel better having divulged:)

Home From the Holidays

2009-12-31T09:03:00.000-08:00

I guess I need to start by mentioning my long absence from blogging lately. It’s no coincidence that my last blog was in September, right before the Fall Semester began. Let’s just say that this semester was a doozy for me! It would be safe to say that I pushed myself to the limit with the level and the amount of classes that I took, not to mention my job and my family and everything else in my demanding life. It probably won’t be any easier in my FINAL three semesters, but I did learn some valuable lessons this semester that I believe will be a big help to me as I trudge ahead. I am still a hapless procrastinator, but I think that I have a better grasp on what my limitations are. And to have gotten through this challenging semester with all A’s and B’s certainly gives me the self confidence to know that I can and will get through this. Hopefully I will still have my sanity at the end – and a degree, of course.

Still, I am sad because I have missed out on blogging about some pretty important things in my life during the past few months. The most important of which would be my little boy turning one. But giving you a laundry list of my life’s events during my blogging absence would just be mundane. So maybe I’ll leave that for sometime in the future when I get a fit of inspiration.

Well, I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Jeff, Colten, and I went to Dallas for Christmas. It was hectic traveling with my rambunctious little toddler, but seeing him playing with all of his cousins on Christmas day made it worth it for me. And to top it off, I got to experience my first-ever “White Christmas.” It actually did all of the snowing on Christmas Eve, but it was still on the ground on Christmas morning, so in my mind that qualifies. However, it happened to be less magical than the song lets on. Although, I suppose that I’ve always romanticized the notion of a White Christmas. It would be hard to live up to, especially since that was always my favorite Christmas movie growing up – White Christmas. I remember watching it with my mom as a girl. It seems like just yesterday. I can picture all of us now; curled up on the couch, popcorn in hand, and my little sister making fun of my mother and me for actually crying at the movie. And that’s exactly what she’d say, “It’s just a movie!” I suppose since I’m just barely on this side of 30 that it has actually been quite a long time ago now. But watching heart-warming Christmas movies is still a favorite pastime of ours, whether we get to watch them together or not. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much time for Christmas movie watching this year, but at least we were all together!

So, now we have made it home from being “home.” It’s amazing to me how, unlike ever before in the 10+ years since I left home at 18 years-old, I feel completely at home where I live. This is where that cliché comes in right? – “Home is where the heart is.” But isn’t it so true? I had made a life for myself in the half-dozen or so towns that I lived in since I left home, I had some really good times, and I met people and saw places that I truly loved. Yet I always felt like my home was still in Dallas. I often wondered what it would be like to live in some place where I had roots. To live around my family and the people who knew me before I really knew myself. But now I have a family of my own and when that 8 pound – 8 ounce little bundle was placed in my arms, I knew that my home would always be where he was. So, for 2010, I hope that all of you find a home wherever you live and if you already have, I hope that you learn to cherish it for all that it is worth!

Wilted

2009-08-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

Jeff sent me these flowers last week at work. It was a delightful suprise because it wasn't for an occasion and he wasn't even in the dog house!

I am so sad, because they have begun to wilt, and instead of smelling delightful, they're starting to get that milew-ey smell. I'm so torn because I know it's probably time to toss them, but I don't want to let them go. I love that they are sitting on my desk as a reminder of what a wondreful hubby I have. I love him so much! All I have to do is glance over at them and my day automatically perks up a little. But I should also mention that they are right next to me near my computer screen, so that smell that I mentioned also percolates my senses in a not-so-good way.

What to do?...

Inglorious Procrastinator

2009-08-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Does anyone ever feel like they’re stumbling through life just going through the motions? That’s exactly how I feel right now. And I can’t put my finger on exactly why I’m feeling this way. Everything in my life is going as it should. I really am in love with my husband and I am filled with joy just thinking about my son. But everything else, all of the in between, is just…bearable.

So let me examine the other aspects of my life. There’s school, which doesn’t start until next week, and work; nothing out of the ordinary there. Other than that, there are all of the other menial tasks that we all encounter…house cleaning, laundry, bills and other ‘to-do’s’ that pop up along the way. Nothing at all with a pink fuzzy sign screaming, “I’m the reason for the BLAH.”

I’ve had my share of up’s and down’s over the course of my life and I’ve had some pretty dark hours. This is certainly not one of them. I’ve had this feeling before though, and I’m trying to recognize what and why it is.

Usually when I feel this way it has something to do with avoidance. Ah, avoidance! This has procrastination written all over it. When I get really bogged down, I usually have to stop and try to find the elephant in the room…what am I avoiding/putting off?

However, in this circumstance I’m thinking it may be a lack of procrastination that I am suffering from. Let’s see, last weekend I cleaned my house top to bottom, so nothing to avoid there. Yesterday I did all of the bills and while we may be just squeaking by this month, the bills are for the most part paid. I’m not in school right now, so I don’t have any outstanding homework assignment or tests to cram for. Work is definitely busy but pretty straightforward and easy going. Not many more rocks to look under here.

So, maybe it’s just a case of the hum-drums. While I HATE being a procrastinator and I’d love to kick the habit, I think that part of the reason I procrastinate and hold onto things is to keep myself occupied. I know that there are numerous psychological issues and tendencies that feed the psyche of an inglorious procrastinator. I’m thinking boredom might be one of them.

Firsts

2009-08-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

With a new child comes a long list of First's that there are to look forward to. Among those, I have experienced some of the exciting ones: first time seeing and holding my baby, his first bath, his first smile, rolling over, sitting up, scooting, first words (Ma-ma), crawling, first tooth, first steps...I could go on and on. Just 10 short months ago, these were things that I entirely took for granted. It really is an exciting thing to experience life for the first time, all over again through your child!

Then there are those First's that are frankly a little tough for Mommy to endure: first shot, first boo-boo, first time to leave him, first time to leave him with a stranger, first time to be away from him over night...

This weekend it was 'first time to be away from him over night.' Man, talk about a tough thing to do. Jeff took my little monster to Atlanta for his God-daughter's 2nd birthday and I, of course, was stuck here because it was my drill weekend. I knew I had to let him go, if for no other reason than the fact that it was inevitable - that I wouldn't be able to keep him under my wing forever. Listen to me, I sound like I've shipped him off to college or something. But that's the point. It is so hard to loosen your grasp on your children, because you know that as soon as you do, they are going to grow right up and leave you. It happens over night before you even know it and I am just beginning to understand this.

Today, it was his first day in the Toddler class at day care (I have shed tears about this one.) For some odd reason, I am a little more torn up about this than I was about leaving him at day care in the first place. Well, don't get me wrong, I was a basket case when I first began having to take him to day care. I was so worried that he wouldn't get the care and love that I felt like he deserved. But the ladies in the nursery were wonderful with him. They were even tearing up at losing him. So now, even though he's not quite a year old, they have decided that it is time for him to move up to the toddler class. This is so difficult for me, not only because we will be dealing with a new set of teachers and leaving the teachers that we already love, but because I don't want to lose my 'baby'. I know, I know, he'll always be my baby. But as exciting as it is to experience all of these First's I don't think that I'm entirely prepared to see him grow up just yet.

I Totally Paused

2009-07-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

You know that blog that I wrote about regrets? Well here's a new one for the list...

After having received an Alabama fastest driver award (a.k.a. speeding ticket) from one of Mobile's finest a few months back, and after getting my wrist slapped (a.k.a. an entire day of Traffic School, but no points off my license and therefore, no raised insurance premiums), I thought that I had learned my lesson!

Traffic School wasn't bad, especially in comparison with what I was anticipating. I actually felt like I came away with an enlightened perspective and a little more knowledge in traffic laws. Jeff, I should say, was another story. The whole way home, after having received the ticket, I was dreading one thing...telling Jeff! I'd rather take the fines and the penalties doled out by the state than to get another one of his lectures! This actually happens to be a popular conversation between the two of us...a quid pro quo of all the ways that he is perfect and I am not. A dispute that is never agreed upon, given his penchant for delusion and mine for satire. A common fact which always rears it's head in these little discussions is that he hasn't been pulled over in twelve years and I haven't even been driving that long. And the question that always follows is 'how many times have you been pulled over?' Pooey.

So this is me, a little wiser and a lot more patient while driving. Well, having a little one in the car has changed many of my driving habits already. In all of my driving years, I have never been so conscientious about the speed limit and of being a law abiding citizen on the road. I knew that getting another one of those awards was not an option. Traffic School would no longer be an option and the insurance would surely go up. Translation...a monthly reminder of my indiscretion for Jeff, and a monthly lecture for me. No thank you!

Which brings me to just a few days ago. While I am none too happy about the turn of events, God sure did smile down upon me. Jeff got pulled over for speeding!! Of course, with his stellar driving record, he was let go with a warning, but I was ecstatic just the same. A new weapon for my arsinal. My excitement was short lived, however. Because just a few hours later on my way to get gas at the Coast Guard base, I too was pulled over.

I was completely schocked to see those flashing lights in my rear view. I had no idea why I was being pulled over, truly. I know that I hadn't been speeding. But I could tell from the moment that the police officer stepped up to my window that I wouldn't be as lucky as Jeff had been just a few hours earlier. Now, I am not one to haul slanderous gestures at police officers, nor do I generally dislike them as many often do. But I may be changing my mind on that fact. Sure, they have a job to do, but come on!

So, apparently, I did not come to a complete stop at a stop sign. "I totally paused!" (if you didn't know, that is from one of my favorite movies, Clueless) I understand that not stopping at stop signs can be a safety hazzard. But when there was clearly a pause on a neerly deserted stretch of road with no one coming, give me a break! No really, if there were ever a driving offense that deserved a warning, this is it.

Never the less, here I am, with yet another traffic infraction for my record, and no doubt another hundred dollars or so poorer. The only light shed on the situation is that there will be no lectures from Jeff on this one. Thank you God.

The Incredible Hulk

2009-07-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

He looks up and grins at me through the gleam of those six pearly whites. This, in a mother’s heart, means ‘I love you, mommy.’ My heart melts. I am keenly aware that I am looking into the face of my present, my past, and my future, all at once. He is my son, who grew inside of me for nine months.

Now, nine more months later, I see how much he has already changed and I take stock of the person that he is becoming. Though, when I look at my son, I am usually reminded of how much he is like his father…his sheer determination, an ingenuity about things that were never taught to him, eyes that utterly capture his soul, and an intensity about him that screams ‘I’ll do what I want’ and ‘I’ll never let you down.'

Like when my son decided last week that his crib wasn’t going to hold him back any longer and simply climbed out of it. I was down stairs making his morning bottle and I heard a thump. I dismissed it because Jeff and my nephew were up stairs at the time and it could easily have been a commotion caused by either of them. But then I heard Skylar announce that Colten had climbed out of his crib! Of course, I dropped everything to run up and make sure he was alright and then to console him as only mommies can. But that little guy hardly even cried. He was just ready to go.

All you’d have to do is talk to the ladies at his day care to know what a determined little spitfire he is. I don’t believe that it is any coincidence that he started crawling the following week after a few of the older babies in his class did. He saw them cruising around on all fours and decided that he wanted that same mobility and freedom.

Now he is walking. Those first few wobbly steps were incredible! I videotaped them and called everyone I knew to spread the news. But now, he is really walking. This morning he caught me off guard when I saw him walk up out of the corner of my eye. For a split second I wondered who/what it was, because 'my little guy crawls'...not anymore. (Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, crawling is still the trusty secondary means of transportation for him.) For several weeks there, I was his personal walking cheerleader. I'd stand him up and encourage those wobbly steps in my direction. I think that walking was merely a passing fascination for him at that point. But somewhere between then and now, he has joined the rest of the two-legged, upright world. No longer does mommy need to offer that step up or the constant encouragement, now he simply walks because he wants to.

Even in my tummy, my baby never stopped kicking and wiggling around. I joked then that he would be just like his father. Because, once we learned of the pregnancy and the distinct possibility of having another Little Jeff, the stories began. Story after story, my apprehension grew. After all, haven't we all heard our parents say...'I hope you have a kid just like you some day!' Now I am distinctly aware that whatever he’s paying for, I am too.

To illustrate my point, I will pass on my favorite story of Jeff as a child...

He and a friend were bored one day and somehow got their hands on a can of green spray paint. The logical decision, apparently, was to paint their entire bodies green and terrorize the neighborhood. Door-by-door they knocked and screamed 'roar,' while making muscles like the Incredible Hulk whenever the unexpecting residents answered. Then, to get the paint off, they jumped in a neighbor’s pool. You can guess the tell-tale sign that they left behind, which soon led the angry neighbor to Jeff's parent’s door.

To see Jeff reflected in Colten makes me love them both even more, if that were possible. To be honest with you though, I was, and still am, a little nervous about Colten being another Little Jeff. Because all of those traits that I mentioned can be so admirable in a man and so cute in a baby, but can produce big trouble in a child…

Loss

2009-07-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

Boyle’s Gas Law states that a certain amount of gas molecules will move freely to fill up any volume. Wouldn’t it be nice, if the interworking of our hearts (not the ones that pump blood thru our bodies, but the ones that ache when we suffer a loss) was made up of gas molecules? So that when we lost a piece of our heart, that emptiness could immediately be filled and therefore become a little less painful?

My dear friend has just suffered such a loss, a loss so painful as to leave a cavern of emptiness in her heart…her son. I too am heartbroken. Not only for the fact that my oldest and dearest friend has to endure such pain, not for the fact that somehow I feel culpable for not physically being there for her now, in her greatest time of need; I feel heartbroken because I am a mother, of a son. I know how much capacity my love for him holds in my heart and I cannot imagine my heart being able to continue to function if it had to endure a loss so great. I wish that there were something that I could do!

A friendship that has spanned two decades, she has been my rock to lean on, my partner in crime, my essential person. Her son would be best friends with mine. We have shared so much over the years, and I dreamt of sharing this too. I too was invested. My first response to her earlier good news was “it is a boy!”( we women have a way about knowing these things) Now I cannot even conjure a response to this recent news, “it was a boy”. How can one move on?

I understand that a mother’s love grows. Although, it’s hard to imagine, especially when you already love your child more than anything, even upon learning of the new life growing inside of you. The loss, the pain is not lessened because you have yet to see your child’s face.

I know, in life, there are many lessons to be had and that time fades old wounds, that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for us…I just can’t see it here.

100 Things...

2009-07-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am a lefty and for all of you inquisitors out there, that is where the title of my blog came from…roughly 9% of the world’s population is left-handed (it may be around 11% now though) and I may be biased, but I believe that my lil’un is going to be a lefty as well…score one for the 9%
As an addendum to #1, whenever I play a sport or try something I haven’t done in a while, I have to think about which hand I should use
I don’t like people to touch me with their feet…it’s kind of a phobia
Speaking of phobias…I am really claustrophobic
I had a lisp when I was younger and sometimes I still do
I habitually tap the top of a coke can three times before I open it
I can’t throw away cards or pictures, no matter who they’re from or of
I don’t think that there’s much better in the world of contemporary music than the riff of a steel guitar
I have only ever had three wisdom teeth…which they say is a sign of evolutionary superiority
I was born at home
I have never broken a bone and have only ever had one (yes one…interesting story) stitch
In the second grade I joined my school’s choir, my sister says it is because I wanted to do everything that she did (half right) but mostly it was to go on the field trips…I never knew any of the words to the songs though and mostly just lip singed “watermelon” over and over again
At random times, no matter what time of the year it is, I find myself humming ‘Joy to the World’
I like to drink grape juice out of a wine glass more than I like to drink wine out of one
I listen to audio books…not because I can’t read well but because that is the way I find the time…in my car
I am a closet Trekkie…I used to love to watch Star Trek with my brother (but only the original one or Generations) and that goes double for Star Wars
I also used to steal my brothers Transformers and play with them…they were my favorite
I spent the whole month of July once in Juneau, Alaska and I got drunk and sang karaoke all night in a bar called The Moose, and I am told that I was hitting on a guy who was about to get married, to a girl who was also at the bar, who happened to be a triplet, whose sisters were also at the bar, one of which I was best friends with at the end of the night, only to not remember any of it in the morning
I think that the most sensuous place on a woman is the small of her back and on a man is the crook of his neck
My first job was for a market research company in the mall…bugging people to take a survey
Before I was 18, going skydiving topped my list of things to do, when I turned 18 and could actually go skydiving, I completely changed my mind
The only organized sport I ever played was Basketball in the 8th grade, the only reason I made the team was because they had just enough people to fill the team, and I didn’t make a single basket all season
My first car was a 1988 Saab 900…Sally the Saab
I still have the stuffed animals that I had as a kid…one of my favorite things is a soft and cuddly stuffed animal, now I just buy them for Colten, so I can still cuddle up with them when no one’s looking
My favorite time of day is just before the sun sets
I have played Fantasy Football for every year since, I think it was 1997…before it was big on the internet…our draft took weeks because we did it over the phone
I am very competitive at board/card games (yes, I admit it) but especially when I am playing against my brother or sisters
I am a third child…of four, so I know what it is like to be an older sister and a younger sister…it is one of my favorite things about myself
I actually like Thanksgiving better than Christmas, it’s my favorite holiday
During my childhood we had chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, dogs, cats, a duck, a pig (for like a week), hamsters, hermit crabs, birds, fish, even a sea enenemy (complete with a clown fish and everything), random bugs like praying mantis’ and lightning bugs, turtles, frogs, (I wanted a snake but my mom wouldn’t let me) as pets at one point or another
When I was younger, I would literally cry if I saw a dead animal on the side of the road…sometimes, I still do
I always wanted to be a veterinarian, with the exception of my short-lived dream of being a gymnast when I was like 8 until I realized that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it to the Olympics, so I let that dream go…now I want to be an Engineer ‘when I grow up’
My biggest fear is to lose someone that I love
I ran a half-marathon and it was one of the most exhilarating things that I have done, one of these days I will definitely run a marathon
I have been in school, taking at least one class at some point during the year, for the past 7 years
I hate Doritos, because I ate an entire bag once and got sick and ‘lost’ the Doritos…haven’t liked them since
My biggest celebrity crush is Matthew McConaughey…good ‘ole Texas boy, but then, who didn’t already know that about me
My favorite artist is Van Gogh, my sister gave me a Van Gogh calendar last year and until a few weeks ago, I still had that calendar on my cubicle wall on December 2008…now I have cut out my favorite pictures from the calendar and have them tacked to my wall instead…my absolute favorite is ‘Starry Night’
My favorite author is Jodi Picoult, but my favorite book is Where is Joe Merchant by Jimmy Buffett
My proudest moments (in order) are…giving birth to my son, graduating boot camp, completing a 13.2 mile half-marathon in under 2 hours, and completing the Dunker (even though it sent me into a claustrophobic panic attack), next up…Graduating!!
I have a hard time letting go…of things and people, that is why I had less than 5 real boyfriends in my adolescence and have had less than 10 jobs in my life…I also have boxes and boxes of impertinent things, such as, the ticket stub of the concert I attended on my first official date (also a good reason for #7)
The hardest thing that I have ever done was getting divorced
If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one thing from my makeup bag, it would be my tweezers…I never leave home without them, even if I was alone and no one could see me, I would hate to have sasquatch eye brows
I used to get up in the middle of the night in boot camp so that I could pluck my eyebrows
I have been to at least fifteen Caribbean Islands…count them: Cuba, Puerto Rico, Nassau, Bimini, St. Croix, St. Thomas, St. Martin, Great Inagua, Providenciales, Dominica, Anguilla, Guadeloupe, Hispaniola, Martinique, St. Lucia (no exaggeration!)
On 9/11, I was flying in a Coast Guard plane in Puerto Rico, the Air Force Network was dialed in on one of our radios and one of the crew members called our attention to it just as the radio announcer was describing the first tower falling and then announced that planes all over America were being grounded, then we got the call to land as well. When we landed, we parked the plane and went straight to the TV in the break room where everyone else in the station was located. I watched the news for a week straight after that. My heart was broken.
I have had more cravings before and since I was pregnant than I did when I was pregnant
I love to sing aloud to music in my car, among my favorite songs to belt out are Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart, the Dixie Chicks’ Wide Open Spaces and Garth Brooks’ Shameless
I used to play the Viola and my secret desire is to buy a Viola and become good enough to join the symphony of whatever town I happen to be living in
I love to climb trees! I never grew out of it. The only reason I don’t usually climb trees now is because I don’t want to look like an escaped mental patient. Although, if I happen to drink too much, it’s bound to happen!
I like Catsup with my eggs
The first professional football game I ever went to was on my 18th birthday, even though I was the biggest fan since I was at least 8, I have been to at least a dozen games since
I’ve never gotten into an actual fight with anyone other than a sibling, other than the time I hit my best friend, Seanna, for wanting to hang out with my sister instead of me
I like to position the flap of the toilet paper to be under and not over the roll, if someone else puts it on the other way, I will actually take the time to change it
I was only ever sent to the principle twice…once in Kindergarten for talking (I never actually went, I hid out in the bathroom instead), and once in Junior High for not spitting out my gum
I have flown into two hurricanes
I sported a thong bikini once…my mom and I went tanning on a secluded beach, she was my look out and she’d tell me if anyone was coming so that I could turn over to my back…to have the guts and self confidence to wear it was a big deal for me…these days, post baby, I wouldn’t be caught in one
I love to walk barefoot through grass…but then, who doesn’t?
There is a field of clovers that occupies a short stretch of grass in between street blocks in downtown Mobile that I pass everyday from my car to work and back…it makes me smile every time I pass it
I believe that becoming a mom is the greatest thing I have ever done
The earliest dream that I can remember was when I was about 6…I dreamt that I woke up in my bed because of a light that was shining into my window, it was still the middle of the night, I walked outside to the side of my house where the light was, when I got there I discovered that the light was from the moon, which had descended into my yard and Jesus was inside, so I walked up and joined Jesus in the moon…and that was it, but for some reason, it is still very substantial to me
I love to change my own oil in my car, it gives me a certain sense of satisfaction and purpose
I love sun showers and dancing in the rain and the drama that weather brings about
When I was in 4th grade, I was on the evening news when our weather man, Mike Burger, came to our school because our class was selected from some sort of contest or something. More to the point, I was picked to be with him on air, prior to this he talked a bunch about the weather and how things worked, but I wasn’t listening, and when the camera was rolling (live) he asked me a question about what he talked about, to which my only response was “uh…uh…uh”, he finally answered for me but it was humiliating…my mom taped it and everything
I love words, Merriam Webster’s online dictionary is one of my most visited website…I also get their ‘word of the day’ e-mailed to me
When Ross Perot ran for president, the second time, I went to his post election party with my dad…my dad ended up meeting and speaking with him in the bathroom, which security apparently failed to clear out first
I adore expensive shampoos
I love a Sunday drive out of town
I’ve watched the same Soap Opera since I was a kid (inherited from my grandmother) and I wish I could stop watching
I feel compelled to correct people that say ‘supposebly’ instead of ‘supposedly’
I can recite nearly all of Dumb and Dumber along with the movie
I only make my bed right before I go to sleep
I am a sucker for a good conspiracy theory
When I was younger I claimed to hate my middle name but secretly liked it
I used to only sleep on the right side of the bed…now, for some reason, it’s the left side
If I am walking along side someone I try to be on the right side…always
I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld and still rewatch them every time I catch one on TV
Except on rare occasion, I can’t burp out loud
Spiders give me the heebie-jeebies, my best friend growing up used to make me watch Arachnophobia
I have to have candy (preferably chocolate) to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
I’m not Catholic, but I love Catholic churches because they are always open and they are so quiet and peaceful and they usually display such history
Second place to a church, I love the library for its’ peacefulness and also for its’ history hidden in the pages of its’ books
I secretly want to be a librarian
I now know that my parents actually think that I am beautiful and special and not just because they have to say it
In kindergarten I tried to kiss the boy I had a crush on during nap time
I wish that I could be more creative
I love numbers and black and white and fact and fiction…that is why I want to be an engineer
I love classic literature, although I have hardly read any of it
I laugh when I watch basketball and the announcer mentions penetration
Before I joined the Coast Guard, I never cursed…not even in retelling a story with curse words
I believe in one God and Jesus Christ and a non-literal interpretation of the Bible and the rest is out for jury
When I was younger I was extremely shy around people I didn’t know, and I hated compliments
I now love compliments…so please feel free
In 7th grade my boyfriend and I were voted cutest couple in our school newspaper
I like all types of people, I am very eclectic when it comes to my friends, many of them would never get along with one another but get along fine with me
I used to have to match even when I went to bed, right down to the undies…that went out the window with motherhood for sure
I don’t like pumpkin pie, never have. When I was like 10 or 11 I decided to try it to see if I had changed my mind about liking it, and while I was holding the pie a neighborhood dog ran up an bit me to try and get the pie…I haven’t eaten any since.
In my head, I am a movie critic with very valid opinions
When it comes down to it, I rarely regret the past…it got me to the present and will get me to the future
I wish I were a better speaker, I am enamored by people who are good speakers, even if I don’t agree with what they are saying

A Foregone Conclusion

2009-07-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

So, here it is, as promised...

Do not send your husband, father, and 13 year-old nephew to the fireworks stand to purchase fireworks unsupervised unless you want them to come back with an entire trunk load of fireworks!

We are all on a bit of a shoestring budget these days, right? I mean the economy is on the fritz. Well at least, thanks to the boys in my life, the fireworks sector has had a bit of a financial infusion. So, we were planning to have fireworks, but to take it easy...wrong.

I sent Jeff and Skylar with $20 each (cash, mind you), and my mom sent my dad with $10 (cash). So, if my math is right, they left with $50 to get fireworks and somehow those firework-happy boys came back with over $150 of fireworks!!

One thing that I have to be thankful for when it comes to my hubby, is that he can't lie. When he is caught trying to conceal something...such as, spending a fortune on fireworks...he gets this big 'ole you-caught-me grin on his face. Which, by the way, makes it hard to be mad at him, because he looks so cute when he displays it.

So, when they returned home with their booty, I can tell that their plan was to play it off like they didn't spend a fortune. But in walks Jeff with that grin, and I knew. This is where it takes a little investigative probing, because they won't come right out and tell you. You have to ask direct questions and then do the computing in your head. Their only response was (rehearsed in the car before they returned) 'you shouldn't have sent three guys, alone to get the fireworks'. My mother and I looked at each other and realized that they were right. We couldn't be angry with them, because they were so cute and excited about the fireworks, and so were we to tell you the truth. We had so much fun lighting off all of the fireworks that night, it was a very memorable 4th of July!

Another lesson here is that all men are boys in grown-up bodies! I have already seen that in Jeff when Colten was born and we went toy shopping for him. I can definitely say that he was more excited about the toys than Colten ever was. But I certainly can't complain about that, because those two have so much fun together. It makes me fall in love with him all over again, to see him interact and have so much fun with his son. I see it as well with my nephew. Since Skylar has been staying with us this week, Jeff has really taken him under his wing. And the two of them are totally in cahoots. I can really tell that he enjoys having a little boy around and is excited for Colten to be older so that he can have a little protege.

Regret me not

2009-07-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

I hate regret! I try to prescribe to a regret-free life. Not in the careless/carefree (take your pick) fashion of most tweens these days...live now - regret later, but more like...there's no use crying over spilt milk. However, I still find myself caught up in a little regret from time to time. Such as...

The short lived regrets...

Like currently, I regret that I didn't apply often enough or strong enough sunscreen at the beach this (4th of July) weekend. Well, the 4th was actually spent at the house barbecuing and shooting off fireworks. Which, I should add, was a lot funner this year because I had my niece, Taylor - 7, and nephew, Skylar - 13, to share it with (Colten was sound asleep and not bothered at all by all of the loud commotion of the fireworks.) Kids always add a certain excitement to things, especially where holidays are concerned. I am starting to experience that now with Colten, but he's still a little young yet. Oh and speaking of fireworks and regretting, I got a pretty good burn on my thumb from lighting a sparkler during our fireworks extravaganza on Saturday. (Another blog to follow regarding sending men to buy the fireworks...)

So, on Sunday Jeff stayed home with Colten, who wasn't feeling too well (ear infection), and I took off to the beach with my visiting family. Let me tell you, I felt like a kid again. I had the best time playing in the waves, collecting shells with my niece, and floating on my raft that I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Guilty that I had started to forget about how much I was missing my lil'un and guilty for leaving Jeff at home alone with a sick baby.

So back to the regretting...I am reminded of it every time I make a wrong move. Man, I haven't been burnt this bad in who knows how long. Except now the hurt of the burn is starting to subside and the itching has begun. Though, I'm pretty sure this regret soon won't be one at all and will just be chalked up to a lesson and a story.

The regrets that you just can't forget...

Like the time that I left my brand new digital camera that Jeff had just given me for Christmas, complete with the awesome pictures I had just taken and the USB flash drive that had my whole life on it, in the bathroom of a Denny's. When I realized (too late) that I had left it and returned to get it, it was long gone :( I cried myself to sleep that night. I was so upset that Jeff didn't even give me the but-chewing that I know he wanted to give me. But I guess what they say about time healing old wounds applies in this situation, because I have a new awesome camera full of pictures of an adorable little baby boy and my happy life, which, by the way, are backed up to my computer and on disc (...definitely not losing those precious pictures again). So, while the pain of my mistake has faded, I can't help regretting it still.

The regrets of missed opportunities...

I realize more everyday how much my baby has grown. It's amazing how much a little being can change in the first nine months of their life. From my pregnancy and feeling the little guy kick, to his first steps (yep, only nine-months and walking...well, he still prefers crawling though) I wish that I could capture it all. I never want to forget how he looked or how I felt when my baby boy was born. Yet I have yet to fill out his baby book. And you are all witnesses to it...I have hardly done what I set out to do with this blog...catalogue his life and everything that he has brought into mine. So, everyday I am reminded of how I've missed recording all of these special things, and it drives me crazy! Though, I really do have a problem...of either going overboard with something or procrastinating and doing nothing at all. So, I'm trying to find a middle road, so that when I look back I have more than memories to tell of what a wonderful experience it is to see your first baby grow older.

And finally, there are regrets of the past...actions that led to hurt...that aren't actually regrets because they've led me to who and where I am today...
Of course, number one in this category, that I must mention is my divorce. I won't rehash it here, except to say that I often consider the hurt that I caused because of it. Sometimes I feel guilty to have somehow moved past it. I know that becoming a mother puts a lot of things into perspective. And when your life is so full, as babies often cause your life to be, you realize that you don't have the capacity to carry around old hurt as well. The whole experience was the single greatest learning experience of my life. It changed me and also somehow helped me to find a part of myself that was lost. I know that I am a stronger person because of it and of course there is my life now, my baby. But the whole experience of it...the journey...is forever with me and I'll always remember the past and hope for a better future for me and for him.

Introspection

2009-07-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

I love to take in the things around me...the environment...the energy that people exude. I liken myself to a cat, very observant and often cautious to jump in head first. I have always tried to learn from other people's mistakes...sometimes not so successfully, but I have definitely tried! I try to think outside of the box and to see things from other people's points of view. In fact, I often set out to see things from a new perspective. But I have my own convictions and motivations, many of which have seen me through my childhood and into my adult life. I feel like, with the exception of a few periods of personal discovery, I have always known who I am and what it is about me that makes me special. I have my parents and my family to thank for that...my sister, Amanda, who always tells me those words exactly...you're special. I have a healthy thirst for knowledge that sometimes overwhelms me and leaves me sitting on the couch in front of the TV to veg, in denial of it all. Maybe that is due to my incessant need to procrastinate...for the hated and revered alike. I love words...I love to check the dictionary, not so much to find new words, but to ensure that I use the words that I have soaked up along the way correctly. I often get stuck trying to find the right words to say. Sometimes this causes me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself...for fear that I may not be able to convey them properly...to do them justice. As I blog and become a blogger, I find myself sitting in my car on my way to/from work/school and pondering my next blog. I read other blogs. I get blog envy. I plot ways to become as witty and creative as these other bloggers. I notice how their creativity, wittiness and fun-ness jumps off the page and realize that I am not like them. So, I sit at my computer, as I have done right now, and realize who I am. I am all of those things that I have listed. Maybe I do have a little bit of creativity, wittiness and fun-ness in me...but I realize that I am just who I am and that's all I need to be.

Jeff & Stacy's Bed & Breakfast

2009-06-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

If you could overhear my recent water cooler conversations, you would most likely overhear me joking that I feel like I am running a bed and breakfast at my house lately. Jeff and I...always the consummate hosts, love to have the people we love come to visit (...or maybe I should say that I love it, Jeff is probably in the neighborhood of not-hating it.) But in the past few months we have had my parents, Jeff's parents, my sister in-law and niece, as well as a few of our close friends over to stay at our house for a night or two, or even a week or two. Not to mention the other dinner guests we've had squeezed in there during "vacancies". This weekend, my parents and my nephew and other niece will be occupying our B&B. (And my nephew will stay for another week after my parents leave.)

At Jeff and Stacy's Bed and Breakfast you can always look forward to a comfy bed with clean sheets (the washer and dryer are on overload, keeping up), a hot shower with clean towels (again with the washer and dryer), a great cup of Joe (made from Dunkin Donut's fresh ground coffee beans and an ample supply of cream and sugar), breakfast made to order, and nightly dinner specials (just think about all those dirty dishes), as well as a personal tour guide (or two) with shuttle, to show you all of the Gulf Coast's greatest attractions. (View photo of B&B below...)

I am verging on exhaustion! In addition to the B&B, for every weekend in the past few months we have had something to do...work, either at my usual job or for my Coast Guard drill; trips to Atlanta or to the beach. And don't forget about school, complete with homework and tests to study for. Now, I know what you must be thinking...'that doesn't sound too exhausting' or 'I'd love to take a trip or go to the beach'. To those of you nay-sayers out there, I say...'Good, you go! You can take my 9 month-old little wiggle worm with you, and I'll take a break!'

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (well, just a little, but mostly just venting) I enjoy having things to do and to look forward to. And I absolutely love seeing my friends and loved ones. I just need a break every once in a while. And throwing a 9 month-old, very active baby into the mix requires much stamina...stamina that I, frankly, do not posses.

So, to all of you super moms out there in blog land I pose this question...how do you do it? And to all of you B&B operators out there...got any openings for a vacationing Jeff and Stacy? Oh, yeah...and does anyone want to baby sit?

Testing...testing...is this thing on

2009-06-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I did start out this blog with a warning...I believe it was something about how I'm not the most reliable blogger. So, I guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because I haven't posted anything since before Colten was born last September (sheesh). Well, I don't guess there's any rules about this anyway, so I won't apologize. And I won't play the catch-up game except to tell you that since the last time I posted, my life has changed profoundly. All of you parents out there in blogger land will recognize this as becoming a first-time parent....mommy, to be exact. So, other than that, I guess I'll just talk about whatever suits my fancy.

Here's my favorite subject right now...my baby has three teeth...and counting. It's not so fun for him (translation-not fun for me either) because, of course, it hurts. It's funny, because I've spent 8 months knowing that he'd soon get that first tooth and it seemed exciting but not that big of a deal for me. But when I reached in and spotted that first tooth, it was as new and exciting as landing on the moon for the first time. I guess it's just a silly mommy thing, but I love to talk about it. On the other hand, I am realizing that my little guy is growing up and soon won't be my cute and cuddly little baby any more. It came as a realization to me the other day that at some point...I'll embarrass him in front of his friends, he won't want me to hug and smooch him anymore, he'll find a new woman to love, and I'll be his old un-cool mother. But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. I guess I'll just keep looking forward to watching this little person that I made, grow up and lead a life of his own. Meanwhile, I will treasure every moment and hope to be the best mommy he could ask for!

I'll take the ribs with a side of...bladder

2008-07-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

So, of course, I am not the first to mention or complain about the fact that my baby lives in my ribs...and, as a matter of fact, it hurts! Or if its not my ribs, my bladder makes for a nice target too. How about I also mention that I now wake up every hour, on the hour...can't breath...can't stand to sleep on my side any longer...can't fall back asleep...too hot...jeeze, do I live on the face of the sun...eyes won't stop itching...sneezing...so thirsty!!!! but I don't want to go all the way down stairs for water, might as well be in the desert...Jeff is snoring...should I go on...this sucks. I know I'm not alone in this, and I know in the end it's all worth it, and I should mention that it's not all bad, but maybe I'll sleep better having vented about it.

Funny Hubby

2008-06-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

So, I am getting far enough along in my pregnancy that I feel this little monster kick, move, poke, jab, roll, and all sorts of other things that feel crazy and leave me completely clueless as to what he's doing in there...all the time. Sometimes it's such an odd feeling or such a strong kick that of course my first instinct is..."oh my gosh, baby, you have got to feel this!" But Jeff's response, to me, is even crazier...it is one of hesitation. Now I'm sure anyone would agree with me in thinking that a soon-to-be dad would be anxious to feel his little baby kick (or whatever it is that he's doing:) but not my hubby...he's scared, lol. The few times that I've happened to be laying aside him to put his hand on my belly in time for a kick, he's gotten freaked out and pulled his hand back. Now don't get me wrong, he also smiles and seems excited, but definitely freaked is a word to describe him too. This, of course, is very humorous to me. I tell him..."it's YOUR baby, it's not like it's a stranger," but he is still very hesitant when it comes to feeling the baby move. I guess I'll just have to settle with having Colten all to myself for the time being, which is fine with me:)

An ode to Missie

2008-06-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have a confession...I have blog envy. Actually, I have created my own blog (ta~dah) in the hopes that I would be able to capture my life's events as poignantly as my dear friend Missie Rose. I have gotten such enjoyment in browsing her blogs that I couldn't help but want to create my own. After all, with a little one on the way, I know there will be tons of stuff worthy (or not) of commemorating in a blog that I could look back on and enjoy reading some day. But let me leave you with a little word of warning before I begin...I cannot ensure consistency or longevity in my blog writing... take it from the umpteen diaries I started as a girl who never saw there pages even half full.