Home From the Holidays

I guess I need to start by mentioning my long absence from blogging lately. It’s no coincidence that my last blog was in September, right before the Fall Semester began. Let’s just say that this semester was a doozy for me! It would be safe to say that I pushed myself to the limit with the level and the amount of classes that I took, not to mention my job and my family and everything else in my demanding life. It probably won’t be any easier in my FINAL three semesters, but I did learn some valuable lessons this semester that I believe will be a big help to me as I trudge ahead. I am still a hapless procrastinator, but I think that I have a better grasp on what my limitations are. And to have gotten through this challenging semester with all A’s and B’s certainly gives me the self confidence to know that I can and will get through this. Hopefully I will still have my sanity at the end – and a degree, of course.

Still, I am sad because I have missed out on blogging about some pretty important things in my life during the past few months. The most important of which would be my little boy turning one. But giving you a laundry list of my life’s events during my blogging absence would just be mundane. So maybe I’ll leave that for sometime in the future when I get a fit of inspiration.

Well, I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Jeff, Colten, and I went to Dallas for Christmas. It was hectic traveling with my rambunctious little toddler, but seeing him playing with all of his cousins on Christmas day made it worth it for me. And to top it off, I got to experience my first-ever “White Christmas.” It actually did all of the snowing on Christmas Eve, but it was still on the ground on Christmas morning, so in my mind that qualifies. However, it happened to be less magical than the song lets on. Although, I suppose that I’ve always romanticized the notion of a White Christmas. It would be hard to live up to, especially since that was always my favorite Christmas movie growing up – White Christmas. I remember watching it with my mom as a girl. It seems like just yesterday. I can picture all of us now; curled up on the couch, popcorn in hand, and my little sister making fun of my mother and me for actually crying at the movie. And that’s exactly what she’d say, “It’s just a movie!” I suppose since I’m just barely on this side of 30 that it has actually been quite a long time ago now. But watching heart-warming Christmas movies is still a favorite pastime of ours, whether we get to watch them together or not. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much time for Christmas movie watching this year, but at least we were all together!

So, now we have made it home from being “home.” It’s amazing to me how, unlike ever before in the 10+ years since I left home at 18 years-old, I feel completely at home where I live. This is where that cliché comes in right? – “Home is where the heart is.” But isn’t it so true? I had made a life for myself in the half-dozen or so towns that I lived in since I left home, I had some really good times, and I met people and saw places that I truly loved. Yet I always felt like my home was still in Dallas. I often wondered what it would be like to live in some place where I had roots. To live around my family and the people who knew me before I really knew myself. But now I have a family of my own and when that 8 pound – 8 ounce little bundle was placed in my arms, I knew that my home would always be where he was. So, for 2010, I hope that all of you find a home wherever you live and if you already have, I hope that you learn to cherish it for all that it is worth!

Wilted

Jeff sent me these flowers last week at work. It was a delightful suprise because it wasn't for an occasion and he wasn't even in the dog house!

I am so sad, because they have begun to wilt, and instead of smelling delightful, they're starting to get that milew-ey smell. I'm so torn because I know it's probably time to toss them, but I don't want to let them go. I love that they are sitting on my desk as a reminder of what a wondreful hubby I have. I love him so much! All I have to do is glance over at them and my day automatically perks up a little. But I should also mention that they are right next to me near my computer screen, so that smell that I mentioned also percolates my senses in a not-so-good way.

What to do?...

Inglorious Procrastinator

Does anyone ever feel like they’re stumbling through life just going through the motions? That’s exactly how I feel right now. And I can’t put my finger on exactly why I’m feeling this way. Everything in my life is going as it should. I really am in love with my husband and I am filled with joy just thinking about my son. But everything else, all of the in between, is just…bearable.

So let me examine the other aspects of my life. There’s school, which doesn’t start until next week, and work; nothing out of the ordinary there. Other than that, there are all of the other menial tasks that we all encounter…house cleaning, laundry, bills and other ‘to-do’s’ that pop up along the way. Nothing at all with a pink fuzzy sign screaming, “I’m the reason for the BLAH.”

I’ve had my share of up’s and down’s over the course of my life and I’ve had some pretty dark hours. This is certainly not one of them. I’ve had this feeling before though, and I’m trying to recognize what and why it is.

Usually when I feel this way it has something to do with avoidance. Ah, avoidance! This has procrastination written all over it. When I get really bogged down, I usually have to stop and try to find the elephant in the room…what am I avoiding/putting off?

However, in this circumstance I’m thinking it may be a lack of procrastination that I am suffering from. Let’s see, last weekend I cleaned my house top to bottom, so nothing to avoid there. Yesterday I did all of the bills and while we may be just squeaking by this month, the bills are for the most part paid. I’m not in school right now, so I don’t have any outstanding homework assignment or tests to cram for. Work is definitely busy but pretty straightforward and easy going. Not many more rocks to look under here.

So, maybe it’s just a case of the hum-drums. While I HATE being a procrastinator and I’d love to kick the habit, I think that part of the reason I procrastinate and hold onto things is to keep myself occupied. I know that there are numerous psychological issues and tendencies that feed the psyche of an inglorious procrastinator. I’m thinking boredom might be one of them.

Firsts

With a new child comes a long list of First's that there are to look forward to. Among those, I have experienced some of the exciting ones: first time seeing and holding my baby, his first bath, his first smile, rolling over, sitting up, scooting, first words (Ma-ma), crawling, first tooth, first steps...I could go on and on. Just 10 short months ago, these were things that I entirely took for granted. It really is an exciting thing to experience life for the first time, all over again through your child!

Then there are those First's that are frankly a little tough for Mommy to endure: first shot, first boo-boo, first time to leave him, first time to leave him with a stranger, first time to be away from him over night...

This weekend it was 'first time to be away from him over night.' Man, talk about a tough thing to do. Jeff took my little monster to Atlanta for his God-daughter's 2nd birthday and I, of course, was stuck here because it was my drill weekend. I knew I had to let him go, if for no other reason than the fact that it was inevitable - that I wouldn't be able to keep him under my wing forever. Listen to me, I sound like I've shipped him off to college or something. But that's the point. It is so hard to loosen your grasp on your children, because you know that as soon as you do, they are going to grow right up and leave you. It happens over night before you even know it and I am just beginning to understand this.

Today, it was his first day in the Toddler class at day care (I have shed tears about this one.) For some odd reason, I am a little more torn up about this than I was about leaving him at day care in the first place. Well, don't get me wrong, I was a basket case when I first began having to take him to day care. I was so worried that he wouldn't get the care and love that I felt like he deserved. But the ladies in the nursery were wonderful with him. They were even tearing up at losing him. So now, even though he's not quite a year old, they have decided that it is time for him to move up to the toddler class. This is so difficult for me, not only because we will be dealing with a new set of teachers and leaving the teachers that we already love, but because I don't want to lose my 'baby'. I know, I know, he'll always be my baby. But as exciting as it is to experience all of these First's I don't think that I'm entirely prepared to see him grow up just yet.

I Totally Paused

You know that blog that I wrote about regrets? Well here's a new one for the list...

After having received an Alabama fastest driver award (a.k.a. speeding ticket) from one of Mobile's finest a few months back, and after getting my wrist slapped (a.k.a. an entire day of Traffic School, but no points off my license and therefore, no raised insurance premiums), I thought that I had learned my lesson!

Traffic School wasn't bad, especially in comparison with what I was anticipating. I actually felt like I came away with an enlightened perspective and a little more knowledge in traffic laws. Jeff, I should say, was another story. The whole way home, after having received the ticket, I was dreading one thing...telling Jeff! I'd rather take the fines and the penalties doled out by the state than to get another one of his lectures! This actually happens to be a popular conversation between the two of us...a quid pro quo of all the ways that he is perfect and I am not. A dispute that is never agreed upon, given his penchant for delusion and mine for satire. A common fact which always rears it's head in these little discussions is that he hasn't been pulled over in twelve years and I haven't even been driving that long. And the question that always follows is 'how many times have you been pulled over?' Pooey.

So this is me, a little wiser and a lot more patient while driving. Well, having a little one in the car has changed many of my driving habits already. In all of my driving years, I have never been so conscientious about the speed limit and of being a law abiding citizen on the road. I knew that getting another one of those awards was not an option. Traffic School would no longer be an option and the insurance would surely go up. Translation...a monthly reminder of my indiscretion for Jeff, and a monthly lecture for me. No thank you!

Which brings me to just a few days ago. While I am none too happy about the turn of events, God sure did smile down upon me. Jeff got pulled over for speeding!! Of course, with his stellar driving record, he was let go with a warning, but I was ecstatic just the same. A new weapon for my arsinal. My excitement was short lived, however. Because just a few hours later on my way to get gas at the Coast Guard base, I too was pulled over.

I was completely schocked to see those flashing lights in my rear view. I had no idea why I was being pulled over, truly. I know that I hadn't been speeding. But I could tell from the moment that the police officer stepped up to my window that I wouldn't be as lucky as Jeff had been just a few hours earlier. Now, I am not one to haul slanderous gestures at police officers, nor do I generally dislike them as many often do. But I may be changing my mind on that fact. Sure, they have a job to do, but come on!

So, apparently, I did not come to a complete stop at a stop sign. "I totally paused!" (if you didn't know, that is from one of my favorite movies, Clueless) I understand that not stopping at stop signs can be a safety hazzard. But when there was clearly a pause on a neerly deserted stretch of road with no one coming, give me a break! No really, if there were ever a driving offense that deserved a warning, this is it.

Never the less, here I am, with yet another traffic infraction for my record, and no doubt another hundred dollars or so poorer. The only light shed on the situation is that there will be no lectures from Jeff on this one. Thank you God.

The Incredible Hulk

He looks up and grins at me through the gleam of those six pearly whites. This, in a mother’s heart, means ‘I love you, mommy.’ My heart melts. I am keenly aware that I am looking into the face of my present, my past, and my future, all at once. He is my son, who grew inside of me for nine months.

Now, nine more months later, I see how much he has already changed and I take stock of the person that he is becoming. Though, when I look at my son, I am usually reminded of how much he is like his father…his sheer determination, an ingenuity about things that were never taught to him, eyes that utterly capture his soul, and an intensity about him that screams ‘I’ll do what I want’ and ‘I’ll never let you down.'

Like when my son decided last week that his crib wasn’t going to hold him back any longer and simply climbed out of it. I was down stairs making his morning bottle and I heard a thump. I dismissed it because Jeff and my nephew were up stairs at the time and it could easily have been a commotion caused by either of them. But then I heard Skylar announce that Colten had climbed out of his crib! Of course, I dropped everything to run up and make sure he was alright and then to console him as only mommies can. But that little guy hardly even cried. He was just ready to go.

All you’d have to do is talk to the ladies at his day care to know what a determined little spitfire he is. I don’t believe that it is any coincidence that he started crawling the following week after a few of the older babies in his class did. He saw them cruising around on all fours and decided that he wanted that same mobility and freedom.

Now he is walking. Those first few wobbly steps were incredible! I videotaped them and called everyone I knew to spread the news. But now, he is really walking. This morning he caught me off guard when I saw him walk up out of the corner of my eye. For a split second I wondered who/what it was, because 'my little guy crawls'...not anymore. (Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, crawling is still the trusty secondary means of transportation for him.) For several weeks there, I was his personal walking cheerleader. I'd stand him up and encourage those wobbly steps in my direction. I think that walking was merely a passing fascination for him at that point. But somewhere between then and now, he has joined the rest of the two-legged, upright world. No longer does mommy need to offer that step up or the constant encouragement, now he simply walks because he wants to.

Even in my tummy, my baby never stopped kicking and wiggling around. I joked then that he would be just like his father. Because, once we learned of the pregnancy and the distinct possibility of having another Little Jeff, the stories began. Story after story, my apprehension grew. After all, haven't we all heard our parents say...'I hope you have a kid just like you some day!' Now I am distinctly aware that whatever he’s paying for, I am too.

To illustrate my point, I will pass on my favorite story of Jeff as a child...

He and a friend were bored one day and somehow got their hands on a can of green spray paint. The logical decision, apparently, was to paint their entire bodies green and terrorize the neighborhood. Door-by-door they knocked and screamed 'roar,' while making muscles like the Incredible Hulk whenever the unexpecting residents answered. Then, to get the paint off, they jumped in a neighbor’s pool. You can guess the tell-tale sign that they left behind, which soon led the angry neighbor to Jeff's parent’s door.

To see Jeff reflected in Colten makes me love them both even more, if that were possible. To be honest with you though, I was, and still am, a little nervous about Colten being another Little Jeff. Because all of those traits that I mentioned can be so admirable in a man and so cute in a baby, but can produce big trouble in a child…

Loss

Boyle’s Gas Law states that a certain amount of gas molecules will move freely to fill up any volume. Wouldn’t it be nice, if the interworking of our hearts (not the ones that pump blood thru our bodies, but the ones that ache when we suffer a loss) was made up of gas molecules? So that when we lost a piece of our heart, that emptiness could immediately be filled and therefore become a little less painful?

My dear friend has just suffered such a loss, a loss so painful as to leave a cavern of emptiness in her heart…her son. I too am heartbroken. Not only for the fact that my oldest and dearest friend has to endure such pain, not for the fact that somehow I feel culpable for not physically being there for her now, in her greatest time of need; I feel heartbroken because I am a mother, of a son. I know how much capacity my love for him holds in my heart and I cannot imagine my heart being able to continue to function if it had to endure a loss so great. I wish that there were something that I could do!

A friendship that has spanned two decades, she has been my rock to lean on, my partner in crime, my essential person. Her son would be best friends with mine. We have shared so much over the years, and I dreamt of sharing this too. I too was invested. My first response to her earlier good news was “it is a boy!”( we women have a way about knowing these things) Now I cannot even conjure a response to this recent news, “it was a boy”. How can one move on?

I understand that a mother’s love grows. Although, it’s hard to imagine, especially when you already love your child more than anything, even upon learning of the new life growing inside of you. The loss, the pain is not lessened because you have yet to see your child’s face.

I know, in life, there are many lessons to be had and that time fades old wounds, that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for us…I just can’t see it here.