Loss

Boyle’s Gas Law states that a certain amount of gas molecules will move freely to fill up any volume. Wouldn’t it be nice, if the interworking of our hearts (not the ones that pump blood thru our bodies, but the ones that ache when we suffer a loss) was made up of gas molecules? So that when we lost a piece of our heart, that emptiness could immediately be filled and therefore become a little less painful?

My dear friend has just suffered such a loss, a loss so painful as to leave a cavern of emptiness in her heart…her son. I too am heartbroken. Not only for the fact that my oldest and dearest friend has to endure such pain, not for the fact that somehow I feel culpable for not physically being there for her now, in her greatest time of need; I feel heartbroken because I am a mother, of a son. I know how much capacity my love for him holds in my heart and I cannot imagine my heart being able to continue to function if it had to endure a loss so great. I wish that there were something that I could do!

A friendship that has spanned two decades, she has been my rock to lean on, my partner in crime, my essential person. Her son would be best friends with mine. We have shared so much over the years, and I dreamt of sharing this too. I too was invested. My first response to her earlier good news was “it is a boy!”( we women have a way about knowing these things) Now I cannot even conjure a response to this recent news, “it was a boy”. How can one move on?

I understand that a mother’s love grows. Although, it’s hard to imagine, especially when you already love your child more than anything, even upon learning of the new life growing inside of you. The loss, the pain is not lessened because you have yet to see your child’s face.

I know, in life, there are many lessons to be had and that time fades old wounds, that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for us…I just can’t see it here.