Regret me not

I hate regret! I try to prescribe to a regret-free life. Not in the careless/carefree (take your pick) fashion of most tweens these days...live now - regret later, but more like...there's no use crying over spilt milk. However, I still find myself caught up in a little regret from time to time. Such as...

The short lived regrets...

Like currently, I regret that I didn't apply often enough or strong enough sunscreen at the beach this (4th of July) weekend. Well, the 4th was actually spent at the house barbecuing and shooting off fireworks. Which, I should add, was a lot funner this year because I had my niece, Taylor - 7, and nephew, Skylar - 13, to share it with (Colten was sound asleep and not bothered at all by all of the loud commotion of the fireworks.) Kids always add a certain excitement to things, especially where holidays are concerned. I am starting to experience that now with Colten, but he's still a little young yet. Oh and speaking of fireworks and regretting, I got a pretty good burn on my thumb from lighting a sparkler during our fireworks extravaganza on Saturday. (Another blog to follow regarding sending men to buy the fireworks...)

So, on Sunday Jeff stayed home with Colten, who wasn't feeling too well (ear infection), and I took off to the beach with my visiting family. Let me tell you, I felt like a kid again. I had the best time playing in the waves, collecting shells with my niece, and floating on my raft that I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Guilty that I had started to forget about how much I was missing my lil'un and guilty for leaving Jeff at home alone with a sick baby.

So back to the regretting...I am reminded of it every time I make a wrong move. Man, I haven't been burnt this bad in who knows how long. Except now the hurt of the burn is starting to subside and the itching has begun. Though, I'm pretty sure this regret soon won't be one at all and will just be chalked up to a lesson and a story.

The regrets that you just can't forget...

Like the time that I left my brand new digital camera that Jeff had just given me for Christmas, complete with the awesome pictures I had just taken and the USB flash drive that had my whole life on it, in the bathroom of a Denny's. When I realized (too late) that I had left it and returned to get it, it was long gone :( I cried myself to sleep that night. I was so upset that Jeff didn't even give me the but-chewing that I know he wanted to give me. But I guess what they say about time healing old wounds applies in this situation, because I have a new awesome camera full of pictures of an adorable little baby boy and my happy life, which, by the way, are backed up to my computer and on disc (...definitely not losing those precious pictures again). So, while the pain of my mistake has faded, I can't help regretting it still.

The regrets of missed opportunities...

I realize more everyday how much my baby has grown. It's amazing how much a little being can change in the first nine months of their life. From my pregnancy and feeling the little guy kick, to his first steps (yep, only nine-months and walking...well, he still prefers crawling though) I wish that I could capture it all. I never want to forget how he looked or how I felt when my baby boy was born. Yet I have yet to fill out his baby book. And you are all witnesses to it...I have hardly done what I set out to do with this blog...catalogue his life and everything that he has brought into mine. So, everyday I am reminded of how I've missed recording all of these special things, and it drives me crazy! Though, I really do have a problem...of either going overboard with something or procrastinating and doing nothing at all. So, I'm trying to find a middle road, so that when I look back I have more than memories to tell of what a wonderful experience it is to see your first baby grow older.

And finally, there are regrets of the past...actions that led to hurt...that aren't actually regrets because they've led me to who and where I am today...
Of course, number one in this category, that I must mention is my divorce. I won't rehash it here, except to say that I often consider the hurt that I caused because of it. Sometimes I feel guilty to have somehow moved past it. I know that becoming a mother puts a lot of things into perspective. And when your life is so full, as babies often cause your life to be, you realize that you don't have the capacity to carry around old hurt as well. The whole experience was the single greatest learning experience of my life. It changed me and also somehow helped me to find a part of myself that was lost. I know that I am a stronger person because of it and of course there is my life now, my baby. But the whole experience of it...the journey...is forever with me and I'll always remember the past and hope for a better future for me and for him.