Wilted

Jeff sent me these flowers last week at work. It was a delightful suprise because it wasn't for an occasion and he wasn't even in the dog house!

I am so sad, because they have begun to wilt, and instead of smelling delightful, they're starting to get that milew-ey smell. I'm so torn because I know it's probably time to toss them, but I don't want to let them go. I love that they are sitting on my desk as a reminder of what a wondreful hubby I have. I love him so much! All I have to do is glance over at them and my day automatically perks up a little. But I should also mention that they are right next to me near my computer screen, so that smell that I mentioned also percolates my senses in a not-so-good way.

What to do?...

Inglorious Procrastinator

Does anyone ever feel like they’re stumbling through life just going through the motions? That’s exactly how I feel right now. And I can’t put my finger on exactly why I’m feeling this way. Everything in my life is going as it should. I really am in love with my husband and I am filled with joy just thinking about my son. But everything else, all of the in between, is just…bearable.

So let me examine the other aspects of my life. There’s school, which doesn’t start until next week, and work; nothing out of the ordinary there. Other than that, there are all of the other menial tasks that we all encounter…house cleaning, laundry, bills and other ‘to-do’s’ that pop up along the way. Nothing at all with a pink fuzzy sign screaming, “I’m the reason for the BLAH.”

I’ve had my share of up’s and down’s over the course of my life and I’ve had some pretty dark hours. This is certainly not one of them. I’ve had this feeling before though, and I’m trying to recognize what and why it is.

Usually when I feel this way it has something to do with avoidance. Ah, avoidance! This has procrastination written all over it. When I get really bogged down, I usually have to stop and try to find the elephant in the room…what am I avoiding/putting off?

However, in this circumstance I’m thinking it may be a lack of procrastination that I am suffering from. Let’s see, last weekend I cleaned my house top to bottom, so nothing to avoid there. Yesterday I did all of the bills and while we may be just squeaking by this month, the bills are for the most part paid. I’m not in school right now, so I don’t have any outstanding homework assignment or tests to cram for. Work is definitely busy but pretty straightforward and easy going. Not many more rocks to look under here.

So, maybe it’s just a case of the hum-drums. While I HATE being a procrastinator and I’d love to kick the habit, I think that part of the reason I procrastinate and hold onto things is to keep myself occupied. I know that there are numerous psychological issues and tendencies that feed the psyche of an inglorious procrastinator. I’m thinking boredom might be one of them.

Firsts

With a new child comes a long list of First's that there are to look forward to. Among those, I have experienced some of the exciting ones: first time seeing and holding my baby, his first bath, his first smile, rolling over, sitting up, scooting, first words (Ma-ma), crawling, first tooth, first steps...I could go on and on. Just 10 short months ago, these were things that I entirely took for granted. It really is an exciting thing to experience life for the first time, all over again through your child!

Then there are those First's that are frankly a little tough for Mommy to endure: first shot, first boo-boo, first time to leave him, first time to leave him with a stranger, first time to be away from him over night...

This weekend it was 'first time to be away from him over night.' Man, talk about a tough thing to do. Jeff took my little monster to Atlanta for his God-daughter's 2nd birthday and I, of course, was stuck here because it was my drill weekend. I knew I had to let him go, if for no other reason than the fact that it was inevitable - that I wouldn't be able to keep him under my wing forever. Listen to me, I sound like I've shipped him off to college or something. But that's the point. It is so hard to loosen your grasp on your children, because you know that as soon as you do, they are going to grow right up and leave you. It happens over night before you even know it and I am just beginning to understand this.

Today, it was his first day in the Toddler class at day care (I have shed tears about this one.) For some odd reason, I am a little more torn up about this than I was about leaving him at day care in the first place. Well, don't get me wrong, I was a basket case when I first began having to take him to day care. I was so worried that he wouldn't get the care and love that I felt like he deserved. But the ladies in the nursery were wonderful with him. They were even tearing up at losing him. So now, even though he's not quite a year old, they have decided that it is time for him to move up to the toddler class. This is so difficult for me, not only because we will be dealing with a new set of teachers and leaving the teachers that we already love, but because I don't want to lose my 'baby'. I know, I know, he'll always be my baby. But as exciting as it is to experience all of these First's I don't think that I'm entirely prepared to see him grow up just yet.